How Addicts Can Find Peace – Part 3

Click Here to Go Back To Part 2

What do you live for? What is the one thing that’ll keep you going, when there is no fucking point in continuing? Whatever the answer, we build our lives around it. In a way, our will to live is anchored in that. However, if we live only in the single-minded dedication to our deepest urge, we can break. We can lose ourselves while still in pursuit. Living, even for the thing we need most, can become a struggle for survival. Before we realise, we have traded our former self for obsession…to be haunted by a singular idea that engulfs everything, simply so we can function. Eventually, something’s gotta give, so I used booze to take the edge off, because if I lost my devotion to the truth, life would have no meaning…until the moment, when the sobering realisation hit me that I need to start building an actual life, which will allow me to overcome the insurmountable instead of perish as a consequence [of having seen, heard, experienced and felt too much of the relative truth and too little of the absolute due to my own ignorance].

What I do here [on this blog] is regurgitation. I work, drink, eat and sleep. My research into consciousness has been my life, since my journey to discover the absolute truth began…but to me, it has only as much value as it benefits others, screw myself. I do not require validation, just results. This is also the reason I stopped taking clients as a psychologist with a handful of special exceptions. I couldn’t handle the lack of want for progress. I’m not here to be liked or stroke anyones ego, I’m here to open minds…to give and receive homework for healing…to fucking get shit done and not just talk about it. Still, the hardest fact, we have to accept as professionals is that we could reach so few and change so little, even if we master our craft completely.

There is meaning in purposelessness

We perceive the universe from a linear standpoint [though it’s far from], which means we see reality as a sequence of cause & effect [due to our state of consciousness]. So, if we perform a certain action, then a finite number of outcomes occur. In doing so, our behaviour is designed to fulfill a very specific purpose. For example, we work to earn money as we need it to support the continuation of our physical existence.
In terms of physics, we exert energy in order to receive it within a universe, whose total sum of available energy never varies. In so being, we are presented with a finite number of options, unless we are able to harness the ability to create your own. The nature of the job may shorten or severely damage our life expectancy, but it is a daily task to fulfill the most basic of needs…and therein lies the problem. The mentality to watch out for reminders of the past and anticipate future events prevents us from fully experiencing the here and now. “If” we do this, “then” these events could happen is what we think keeps us alive…our ability to anticipate and react. If it were only so, then life would be far more straightforward. Truth be told, if time is simultaneous, then everything is happening right now. Who we were, who we are and the myriad of possible versions of ourselves, we could be are ever-present.

This three part series started with a biblical quote from Matthew: “Do not presume I’ve come to the Earth to bring peace. I’ve come but to bring a sword.” Though we crave peace, we shall not receive it until we learn to resolve each non-externalised conflict and proceed without surrender. That is what peace in the material world necessitates. A sword is merely one tool to fight one form of battle. There are as many others as there are possibilities in the multiverse. But, metaphorically, to find peace, we must bring a sword. We must be vigilant and prepared for anything. In essence, peace is spontaneous. [In the etymological interpretation of the term ‘spontaneity’, to be spontaneous is to be unaffected by external or internal events.] We may only be at peace, when what occurs within and without no longer has an impact on us…when we have outgrown the world, our conditional identity and attain a state of oneness with the cosmos. So if we can abstain from our deadliest vices and trust in a higher power, [we can work to directly experience,] perhaps then we can take control of our own causality. Until that point, however, we remain bound by shackles of our own making. How free we feel comes at the cost of something that can be taken or given at will, as does our sense of peace. Neither applies. Neither can be seized, because the sole power others have over us is the power, we allow them to exert. Neither can be recieved, just realised and cultivated, as they are preconceptual, prefated ideas prior to thought, word or language.

How Addicts Can Learn To Find Peace – Part 2

Click Here To Go Back To Part 1

What happens when our body and mind no longer act as one with our spirit? When the essence of our being begs us to stop, but everything screams for release? We are presented with a choice. We have the power to choose bearing the consequences of our actions…or we can give in to the worst of ourselves. That part, which enslaves itself willingly to escape the burden of freedom.

Nobody can be free in every aspect of their lives. We can’t exist in an absolute state as we are. However, if we can bide our time, we gradually free ourselves from the self-imposed constructs that cause us suffering. One by one. It would take lifetimes, but we could do it. Still, the more issues, we deal with, the more keep cropping up. We think we are solving the problem but we are merely managing the symptoms of the root cause. Addiction is just another symptom of a larger issue. We are all dependent on something. Whether we need nicotine pumping through our veins or can’t function without coffee in the morning doesn’t matter. It’s all the same and here’s why:

We live in an interdependent universe. That implies we can never be entirely self-sufficient and thus can never truly be free from each other, the world or ourselves. So how do we cope? Denial? Brandy? Any form of distraction after the other will do…Yet, what we need is total anarchy. A state, in which we seize the right to govern ourselves. Until then, we are predestined to fight the urge until we no longer can and go down swinging…Either way, we won’t come out of this fight the same as we entered.

When we use, even if we have taken too much, we dont stop, because it has not hit us deep enough instantly. We cannot feel it. We lack the patience to wait…or perhaps we prefer oblivion. Although we need to be kind to ourselves to be free from whatever shit that plagues us, it doesn’t help. The lines of kindness becomes blurred when we provide help for others. We mistake temporary relief for permanent salvation. Our inner sweetheart doesn’t fix the mess, we have made, but the agressive assertiveness of a newborn bitch might… Nonetheless, there’s a darkness in giving into our impulses that provides the illusion of freedom…of the transient peace that we are so often denied. Sometimes, I wondered how I ever had the strength to resist…and then I think of the one thing that changed my life for the better and I find the courage to continue abstaining. Then, there’s that point in recovery, where we have to face the relative truth of our lives, even if it kills us…where I’m reminded of what I am…what I’ll always be…and that’s when I fail. I’m not ashamed to admit to it. It’s a learning curb, I havent been able to grasp just yet. After some inner disagreements, I always give in to it. All that seems to matter is he feeling of when it hits you and quiets everything inside, you are so desperate keep down, because you can’t change or accept it. Unconsciously, I would pay good money to bet, we are aiming for utter self-destruction. BUT, this is no permanent solution. Energy is neither created nor destroyed. Nothing truly dies…So, we are trapped forevermore, until we free ourselves.

When we work the kinda job or live the kind of life, which doesn’t allow for a normal lifestyle, what do functioning addicts do? If all we manage as a meal is a bite or two before we rush off to rectify the next emergency, it can bring us a level of peace. The peace that comes from letting go temporarily. No matter how much we love what we do. When our work is our life, if nothing can give us the same types of satisfaction, there are more restorative kinds… We cannot expect find absolute peace through relative means. What we can anticipate, however, is the resurgence of buried needs until they’re fulfilled, unless we deal with them or overcome them. The only mechanism to bypass this involves unconventional options.

It should be noted, women experience the process differently compared to men. The primary purose of more masculine qualities is short-term defence for long-term protection, whereas a womans is short- and long-term preservation. The methods used are applied very differently and in dissimilar circumstances [i.e. there are set biological genders but any person can channel more or less masculine/feminine energy and thus fall into either category due to to epigenetic predispositions].

In truth, we are far more than our preconceptions, but they make who we think we are. When at the core, all it takes is the real us. Even if we think our own efforts aren’t enough. Sometimes ‘enough’ is what we can bring ourselves to do. After the life I have led, I didn’t believe there was anything more significant to me than shielding myself the world, the system, an inner darkness…in the pursuit of something greater…Perhaps, there isn’t anything but the depraved purity of experience. Perhaps, there is. Only time will tell, but for now, is definitely nothing more important than the fight for stability through clarity.

Click Here For Part 3

How Can Addicts Learn To Find Peace – Part 1

What is peace? We often mistake the feeling of contentment with peace, but few of us will truly know what peace is until they are swept off their feet by it.

That which brings us momentary peace in our daily lives is a misleading form of sense gratification. It is designed to give the illusion of lasting happiness, based on being satisfied with the situation is right now. However, we are not really, we are? After that tiny instant has passed, we strap ourselves back into an emotional rollercoaster of our own making. Truth be told, we choose to suffer through the choices, we have made and continue to make. To detach from this is easier said than done. We cannot simply switch our emotions off. The way we think persists, even if we attempt to force ourselves not to. In fact, the more pressure, we apply on ourselves, the less likely we are to change. We can’t force anyone to do anything that they do not want or are not ready for yet…Including ourselves…We can, however, encourage growing out of behaviour that no longer supports our continued development.

What I’ve learnt is that people prefer my fictional works over the factual content. A few days ago, I sold my first poem before hitting rock-bottom after a very painful relapse. With the amount of alcohol, I consumed, any amateur would have given themselves a hospital level case of alcohol poisoning.
Once again, the same life lesson emerged from the experience:

“Control your mind,
or others will do it for you.”

What triggered the urge to drink initially was something extremely positive, then I was offered to write some poetry, so I set off on my merry way to do just that in a clean and sober state…But things rarely turn out how we expect. Sometimes, we look back and end up asking ourselves, did that just fucking happen? The more relevant question is, why did it happen? Why did we begin to indulge in excess in the first place? If we’ve stopped before, what helped us do so? And lastly, what keeps setting off our need for that substance?
In general, the answers to these questions are designed to form a bigger picture of our triggers. After such deep soul-searching, the process of healing can begin, during which we are encouraged to avoid exposing ourselves to the risks of relapse. This is the reason why rehabilitation treatment comes in three forms:

  1. Open: For medium risk recovery. The person is allowed free time, to roam the premises without supervision after the initial withdrawal symptoms pose no further medical risks. [After the DT stage, for example]
  2. Closed: For high risk recovery. Typically locked facilities that allow for very little privacy. People are usually referred to such places due to mental health problems, criminal conduct or a paid for intervention. The goal is to reach the stage of recovery, in which an open unit can assist them in long term recovery.
  3. Outpatient: My personal favourite for the value that is has when we consider the breakdown of family, community and even society. The person faces their problems from comfort of their own home with the help of family, friends and medical professionals.

Have you seen many serious addicts without a support system stay clean for long without a realistic mission to dedicate their lives to? I haven’t.
Goals are no longer enough at a certain depth of desperation. We drink…We swallow pills…We shoot up…Because otherwise we’d do something, we may regret. When I used to need days to pass quickly in anticipation for something, I would complete all necessary tasks…and just get pissed so hard I wouldn’t remember, I wouldn’t feel the weight of time passing. In fact, I used to bottle things up so deep that they would come out in the most vile manner, even if more pressing matters were at hand. I learnt that the hard way, when I first began blacking out. Luckily, I have never managed to harm myself in the process, others are not so lucky. We can harbour feelings of hurt, buried in layers, which over time grow so intense, we need to black out. We cant consciously express them, so fragments of space-time go missing, in which our inner hellcat takes the wheel…Most of my type of user cant allow themselves to lose control, so we maintain our emotional presence through other means in the absence of another outlet. Hell, we can’t even try to off ourselves sober, because we are too attached to everything around us, but we often don’t feel connected in the slightest. Some of us have numbed themselves to the point of blocking the biochemical processes responsible until the very worst stages of recovery. Others, like me, who lack certain psycho-emotional building blocks, coped without until an event or seveal so big that we can’t cope any longer. When we reached out, and received no help, regret still surfaces for asking after every relapse. In truth, the more we reach out for human connection and are frequently/infrequently rejected, the more we lose faith in a permanent state of recovery….in life as a functioning member of whatever system, we use make sense of communal life in the universe. Mind you, we lose “faith”, not belief. We lose the ability to trust in ourselves, as a result of what we perceive as consistent failure. It’s a tragic tale that applies to countless just like me. We are campaigned for en masse, but when we are encountered on the street, we inspire pity at best and disgust at worst. We are fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, sons and daughters…but we often have no one to turn to. Oh sure, there is rehab, but I’d rather face a hard time with familiar people whose care can sustain a lasting recovery than with a kind stranger, who’ll probably burn out sooner or later just like I did. The sytem can’t work, if the values that created it are fucking disappearing by the day!
For what it’s worth, what we suffer from is innately idiopathic. It’s nameless, faceless and without empirically-verifiable origin. It is a byproduct of the human condition, as so many others.

The problem becomes when we are the primary trigger for our excessive use. The root cause tends to lead back to deeply held beliefs, embedded to support our physical, psychological as well as emotional survival. We cannot persevere, if we can’t function, so we find ways to cope. As a temporary measure, this is socially acceptable. For instance, after a rough break-up. Yet, as a long-term option, it is rather frowned upon. So, where is the cut off point between short and long term usage? Right where the spur of the moment used to cope becomes habit…But just before it is a lifestyle choice.

It should be noted, the way our cortices maintain themselves is by forming new connections all the time. For example, when we continue indulge, and then persevere through recovery alone, we form different neuronal connections by cultivating different skills from those with support. For serious addicts with trust issues, their suspicious nature spells trouble. God, we try to trust, but the high cuts the risk. When we do without, its serious shit…

Please continue to Part 2

How Positive Change Can Trigger Relapse

What makes your knees weak? What causes your stomach to tighten? What touches you deep within? What makes you feel so safe that you crawl inside yourself in fear of the feeling?

It is rational to think that painful or even traumatic events can lead us to resort to destructive coping strategies. However, the opposite also applies to recovering addicts, who are doing exceptionally well. When our life as a sober person improves consistently, we can humbly appreciate our accomplishment, but never truly rest…Until that one event takes place, which tilts the balance of ultimate contentment. We let someone or something in so deep at that point of healing, we feel whole again. Relapse at this stage is a lose-lose situation. If they back off, then the addict is most likely suffer worse or even give up on recovery. If they come clean, then the wrong person is being punished for doing the right thing. They do not deserve that, if the addict can get clean immediately after the slip-up. However, in deal circumstances, communication and understanding are vital. If the slip-up turns into a secret binge, it must end there…before DT [delerium tremens] or other withdrawal symptoms become an issue again.

At one month clean, I had the best fucking weekend of my life…I was touched so intensely by another person that the thought of drowning the feeling was “safer” compared to the alternative of allowing myself to truly let someone in. In other words, positive change triggers relapse, because we crawl inside ourselves to avoid the pain, we are anticipating. Pain, which might or might not happen.

In a dualistic universe, pleasure always proceeds pain. The up and downs of living become normal, so we cope with them instead of aiming to overcome their cyclical influence. Put differently, we become used to the extreme ends of feeling. This is dangerous for any regular person, but with an addict, it can be deadly. The effect a particular substance can have on the brain differ from drug to drug. However, they typically all interfere with the normal functioning of the hypothalamic pituitary axis [HPA]. That means the recovery process will invoke emotions designed to be powerfully cathartic. Ideally, meant to resolve the underlying issue that led to the self-destructive behaviour. If it’s the surfacing pain of a traumatic event or several, we need to process it. Whatever the issue, we must heal, overcome and adapt. Nothing else will permanently make our way of coping go away.

For what it is worth, I do not believe I physiological addiction as such. All forms of addictive behaviour originate in the mind. In my and other cases, they are a result of lacking the necessary self-discipline to maintain a normal lifestyle. Like many functioning users, we give in to cope but destroy ourselves by doing so. I’ve never been to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, not for lack of trying. I’ve never had help getting clean, not for lack of asking. Few know, while even fewer pretend to care, but none would go very far to clean me up themselves. Emptying a bucket into the toilet, when I could barely stand was about the maximum effort. These would be the moments, when my body was rejecting that which it’d become so accustomed to. At any other point, I would self-medicate at infrequent intervals in order to avoid ‘bothering’ anyone with what should be a priority for the commonly decent. In fact, I would regularly support the habits of others, just for a place to DT privately…in proximity of sober-enough people to call an ambulance, if an actual emergency arose… It became normal to care as little about myself as others did, but this wasn’t a sudden occurrence. It was a fucking gradual process that took place over decades. With every setback, it became more important to function effectively. With every soul-deadening compromise, there was never any time to pause afterward. Then, trapped in an environment, I couldn’t escape, I was offered temporary salvation. After working with two fucked discs for a couple of years in constant agony, I had begged my family to help, but they refused to take me in…I had nobody to turn to and nowhere to go, but from that first real stupor, I no longer cared. As though, the worsening state of affairs could not affect me anymore. When the situation eventually changed, my new identity had invaded every aspect of my being. By the time, I was able to seek medical treatment and get clean, I had become someone, I didn’t wish to recognise. No guilt. No shame. No self-loathing. Just nothing at all. I was free from everything but enslaved.

If I have learnt anything,

It is that everything comes at a price.

Before a relapse, we must always ask ourselves is it worth the risk? In truth, perhaps, it can be. Raised in a society, in which we calculate the value of a person by their latest achievement, what do we expect? We begin to treat our lives as disposable instead of a never-ending wonder to be cherished. Sure, we function, but at the cost of drowning our potential. What we are attempting to get away from is just as present, when we are using, as when we are not. The only difference is our level of awareness. If we are willing to care for ourselves to the extent that we do for what functioning brings us…then, we must learn to say “No”, when doing something that will trigger a relapse, but never use it as an excuse not to step up to the task at hand. We must never let our addictive tendencies become a means to close ourselves off from people or experiences, which may transform the way, we perceive the world.

Can We Know The Absolute Truth?

Was there a time in your life, in which you questioned your loyalty to those around you or even to yourself? Although it is bound to occur sooner or later, it happens far too early and far too frequently for some. The reason for this is not the devolution of society, community or the family unit, but rather the concept of “knowing” itself.
In order to know anything, we must adhere to the same principles as the observer effect, which it turn means that knowing shares some of the same implications.

In the realm of physics, everything has a cause and yields an effect. Ergo, everything happens for a reason, even if the reason does not seem all that apparent. In probablistic algorithms, this includes the act of learning that ultimately leads to the attainment of further knowledge in the future. Consider this process in slow motion:

  1. Introduction – the place and time we encounter the subject or object in question, incl. surrounding events leading up to that very moment.|
  2. Development of Interest – the instant our curiosity is peaked.
  3. Assimilation of Information – the more interested we are, the more we begin to learn about the subject or object.
  4. Interpretation Through Perception – After much information gathering, we draw a conclusion based on what we know.
  5. Repeat Process

When perceive knowing from this standpoint, how we trust becomes a consequence of a long-winded thought process, starting at the beginning of our individual consciousness.

Without the fundamental knowledge about an object or subject, we are only able to draw a finite number of conclusions. So, at times, we are lulled into complacency and trust on faith….However, instead of an assent of the mind to the truth, our blind reliance on others can carry a steep price, if we are not careful.

In any case, the tendency to trust too easily as well as the inability to trust are a symptom of a larger problem. These opposite ends of the “trust spectrum” also happen to address a rather relevant philosophical conundrum that may bridge the gap between the two extremes: the absolute aspects of “knowingness” in relative space-time.

On this note, we arrive at the question what is knowing? The term dates back to the 14th century, when the adjective was defined as “with knowledge of truth”, which leads us to ask, what is truth? Now, truth exists in two forms in a dualistic universe or universe with a circular spectrum: (1) relative and (2) absolute. In both forms, truth is often equivalated with proper awareness. Conversely, what we define as proper is determined by social standards. Our oldest understanding of proper means to be adapted to some purpose. In ideal world, the purpose would be honourable, filled with noble intentions to shape a world free from suffering. Yet, in any society, the purpose is swayed by mainstream information. Ultimately, this purpose can eiher bring us toward or further away from expanding our consciousness. Even when we are in a state of apparent stagnation, there is still movement in the form of tempero-spatial progression. In simple terms, our consciousness still perceives what is happening as sequence of events within the space time continuum from our individual perspective. This often comes with an involuntary confirmation bias, in which we interpret reality in a way that confirms our personal as well as collective preconceptions. Hence, we draw conclusions in the absence of experiential evidence prior to the self. Far too often, we do not even attempt to verify what we think to be true.

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In addition, at higher levels of consciousness, all-time occurs simultaneously while all-space converges. All that was, is or could ever be happens all at once as a seemingly singular, interconnected movement known as our universe. In essence, our universe is the result of a chain-reaction, from which gazillions of possibilities unfold, but onle one can manifest.
When we stand further back to perceive our universe as just one possible form of existence, we are simply one string interweaved in a myriad of others. We could argue, all of which are circular and explore the implications. We could envision a cascade of never-ending existences, trying to imagine what they would be like. However, we can only know by being…through that long-winded battle of striving to attain a state of infinite existence and succeeding…

To clarify, our universe is merely a tiny ripple in a vast cosmic sea of possible realities, just as we are a tiny ripple in the bottomless ocean of society. So, all we know seems circumstantially relative, but becomes much more definitive when we translate knowledge into action. For example, we can think the Earth is flat but when we hop into a spaceship to check, it’ll be an oblate spheroid. Push come to shove, what we know is only as true as our ability to prove the fact. Put in context with our societal hierarchy, this implies that our knowlege is only as good as how we present our case. Whether we are speaking the truth sadly doesn’t matter as much as it should. Though we can change that through nurture, we can’t change nature. For instance, we can create an environment, in which we foster open-mindedness and curiosity, but we can’t force everyone to be tolerant to each other around the clock every day. When ideas collide in the search for the absolute truth, there is going to be fallout and the ego will be the first casualty. So, the most important rule in our search is to leave our ego behind. In doing so, we don’t argue as much as we try to understand where the other person is coming from.

Who The Fuck is Right?

Your truth, my truth, who the fuck is actually right at the end? Honestly, both but no one. We may understand the manner, in which a person perceives anything, yet we can never be certain that they aren’t lying to themselves. We might believe we know another inside out, just to realise eventually that we never truly knew them at all. Everything is relative, capable of being interpreted in the exact opposite way. It is a simple matter of subjective experience, giving rise to relative truths.
For example, in the case of eyewitness statements, this becomes deadly apparent. Although everyone involved witnessed the same incident, the descriptions wildly differ. While our recollections are only as reliable as our memory, how and what we remember depends greatly on our thought processes. In fact, our thoughts shape our memory not only through neuronal connections, but through the reason why we interpret things the way we do.

To be who we are means constant effort for our body and mind. From birth onward, we develop and maintain an identity, dependent on conditional factors. People, events and the world helps mould what we have already become. So, without the occurrence of certain defining moments, we cease to be the current version of ourselves.
Our mind is endlessly processing what has, is and may happen. Content continuously rises to the surface and falls underneath the line of conscious or voluntary recollection. We never stop forgetting and remembering, unless we still the mind completely. Moreover, it takes persistent practice to be present in the now. We must be consistent in our effort to care more for the truth than our personal interpretation.
For what it’s worth, we rarely notice how our own personal perception of reality creates bias in our judgement of what we believe to be the truth. We forget to consider sides to a subject, for instance, because we associate negatively with them. We overestimate the importance of specific factors due to positive experiences in the past. From a primal standpoint, our physical, emotional and social survival relies on remembering some things but forgetting others. Through the evolution of our consciousness, however, we can choose to do neither. We can position ourselves on the fine line in between. We can be vigilant without judging ourselves or those around us. We can just be in the moment, observing…contemplating the absolute truth from within the confines of relative existence…But it wouldn’t be enough.

To discern something as complex as the absolute truth from a version of the relative is not a simple task. To know the absolute truth about ourselves, we need to remove the influence of all relative aspects that make up our personality. This is also a rather painful key to lasting happiness in yogic non-attachment practices. To discover the absolute truth about the many worlds, we must delve into the origin, nature and purpose of existence prior to the relative. If all is mind, then truth is a multi-faceted, collective construct. It contains ego-destroying layers of personal perspectives from every possible angle inside a vast consciousness, whose probability of ending is zero…So, are you ready?

What is Love?

The concept of love predates mankind as a species. Some claim, it is even older than time itself. Whereas our ancestors knew mutual respect, comradeship and shared understanding is essential to the continued survival of their tribe, we believe we perceive love in a more sophisticated light…but do we, really?

“One result of the mysterious nature of love is that no one has ever,
to my knowledge, arrived at a truly satisfactory definition of love.”

However, nothing can restrain the curiosity of spirit. Over the epochs, we have attempted to fit love into various categories, such as eros, philia, agape; perfect love and imperfect love and so on…In a very real sense trying to understand love is attempting to examine the unexaminable and to know the unknowable. It is different every time and with every person in very apparent but also quite subtle ways. Overall, love is too large, too deep ever to be truly understood or measured or limited within the framework of words. Its versitable, adaptible nature makes it beyond the explainable.

Scott Peck defines love as the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of ones own and anothers spiritual growth. I, however, disagree slightly…It is the compulsion to do so…
By use of the word “will”, he tried to transcend the distinction between desire and action. Desire is not necessarily translated into action. Will is desire of sufficient intensity that it is translated into action. The difference between the two is equal to the difference between saying “I would like to…” and “I will….” Thefore, the want to love is not love itself. After all, love is as love does. We cannot choose who we converse well with on a platonic level, nor can we choose whom we fall in love with. By defining love as an of will, he inferred that it is an act of intention as well as action. He argues, he we dont have to love, as it is a choice. In my professional opinion, this is only partially true. What when we like someone very much, each day we see them but never pursue them because we have decided not to? We would continue to feel a great deal of affection toward them, there would simply be no desire translated into action, which is rather essential for the bonding process to begin.

Yet, before we continue as to the reason why, it must be noted that in many cases, we may be motivated by something other than love without conscious knowledge, and that what seems to be love is often not love at all. One of the major distinguishing features between what we perceive to be love and that which is real love is the conscious or unconscious purpose in the mind of the person. Furthermore, love is a strangely circular process, which we expand our consciousness in an evolutionary sense.
In other words, when we love, we extend our limits, give our all, or even learn to love parts of ourselves that we don’t.

The act of “loving” is an act of self-evolution even when the purpose of the act is someone else’s growth. It implies effort. We can only extend limits by exceeding them, but exceeding limits requires work. However, when we love someone, this exertion appears to make the connection demonstrably real. It can make any sacrifice worthwhile. Moreover, as a form of energy, love can power the extra step, we take for others, if we let it. Just beware, love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful.

Falling in Love

“Of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that “falling in love” is love or at least one of the manifestations of love.”

It is a potent misconception, because falling in love is subjectively experienced in a very powerful fashion as an experience of love. While we are still wearing rose-coloured glasses, we perceive a romanticized image of the person rather than the person itself. When we fall in love what we certainly feels is “I love him” or “I love her.” More importantly, two complications become immediately apparent:

  1. The experience of falling in love is an intimate experience directly related to our sexual desires. We do not fall in love with just anyone. Even though we may love our family and friends very deeply, we do not fall in love with them on a whim. Often the attraction predates the decision to simply be friends. We typically fall in love only when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated.
  2. The experience of falling in love is temporary. No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later, we fall out of love should the relationship continue long enough. This is not to say that we ultimately cease loving the person, but the honeymoon phase ends and the rose-coloured glasses must be discarded.

To understand the nature of the phenomenon, it is necessary to examine the nature of our ego boundaries. As infants, we do not distinguish between ourselves and the rest of the universe. The animate and the inanimate are the same. There is no distinction yet between I and thou. We and the world are one. There are no boundaries, no separations. There is no identity, just personality traits in the early stages of development.
With experience, a sense of the “me” begins to develop. This interaction between the infant and the parents is believed to be the ground out of which the child’s sense of identity begins to grow. It has been observed that when the interaction between the infant and its parents is disturbed. For example, due to the breakdown of the family unit [i.e. when there is no parent, no satisfactory substitute or when because of their own mental illness, they are uncaring or uninterested, then the infant grows into a child or adult whose sense of identity is lacking in the most basic ways.]

The development of such boundaries is a process that continues through childhood into adolescence and even into adulthood. Generally, the boundaries established later in life are more mental than physical. For instance, at every stage of life, we typically come to terms with the limits of our power on various levels. For instance, it is namely known as the “terrible twos” because of this learning curb. It is the hope and feeling of immediate gratification that can make any twoyear-old usually attempts to act like a tyrant and autocrat, trying to give orders and respond with regal fury when they won’t be dictated to. By the age of three the child usually accepts the reality of its own relative powerlessness.

“Still, the possibility of omnipotence is such a sweet, sweet dream that it cannot be completely given up even after several years of very painful confrontation with one’s own impotence.”

Although we come to accept the reality of our boundaries, we will continue to escape occasionally for some years into late adulthood.

Falling in love is the world of Batman and Captain America. By the time of mid-adolescence, we have already been conditioned that we are individuals, confined to the boundaries of our bodies and the limits of our power…that each one of us is a relatively frail and impotent organism, existing only by cooperation within a group of fellow organisms called society. Within this group, most of us are not particularly distinguished, but we often separate ourselves from others through our individual identities, boundaries or limitations.

In truth, it is lonely within the socratean confines of the fractured self. Some, particularly those who’ve suffered traumatizing experiences, perceive the world outside of themselves as unredeemably dangerous, hostile and unnurturing. Such people feel their ego boundaries to be a protecting and comforting influence. Through them, they find a sense of safety in their loneliness. However, the majority feel our loneliness to be painful, so yearn to escape from behind the walls of our individual identities to a condition in which we can be more unified with the world outside of ourselves. The experience of falling in love allows us this escape temporarily. The essence of the phenomenon of falling in love is a sudden collapse of a section of an individual’s ego boundaries, permitting one to merge his or her identity with that of another person.” We experience the sudden release of ourselves from ourselves. A surcease of loneliness accompanying this collapse of boundaries ensues and we feel freer than we did before.

In many respects, but certainly not all, the act of falling in love is an act of deep regression. The experience of merging with a loved one reminds us of a time when our identities were submerged in a unified state of universal consciousness. Along with the re-emergence of this microcosmic oneness, we also re-experience a sense of omnipotence which we had to give up in our journey to take form.

The unreality of these feelings when we fall in love is essentially the same as the illusion of separation. We feel the world at our fingertips with unlimited power at our disposal. However, just as reality intrudes upon the fantastical notion of omnipotence as an individual, so does reality intrude upon the fantastic unity of any couple in love. Sooner or later, in response to the problems or daily routine of life, our individuality reasserted itself. For example, he wants to have sex, she doesn’t. She wants to go out, he doesn’t etc.

Our desires are not always going to be in harmony with the wants of others. In the beginning, we can be who we are, pretending to accept and be accepted unconditionally, but honeymoon phase will ultimately pass. Over time, ego boundaries to snap back into place, which is when couples fall out of love. At this point they begin either to dissolve the ties of their relationship or initiate the process of real love.

Real Love

Actual love often occurs in a context in which the feeling of love is often lacking [i.e. hen we act lovingly despite the fact that we don’t feel all that affectionate].

Falling in love is not an act of will. It is not a conscious choice. No matter how open to or eager we may be for it, the experience may still elude us. Contrarily, it may capture us at a time when we are not seeking it, when it is inconvenient or even undesirable. We are as likely to fall in love with someone with whom we are obviously ill-matched as with someone more suitable. Indeed, we may not truly like or admire the object of our passion, just as we may not be able to fall in love with a person whom we deeply respect and with whom a relationship would be a decent match in all ways. This is not to say that the experience of falling in love is immune to discipline. To be frank, we are usually able to abort the collapse of our ego boundaries and give up our romantic interest. The struggle involved can be enormous. Furthermore, such a strategy is frequently recommended by mental health professionals, when a liaison is dangerous, self’destructive or inappropriate for either person.

Only disciplined will can control the experience, but it cannot create it.

In other words, we can choose how to respond to the experience of falling in love, but we cannot choose the who, how or when. We can’t control the nature of the experience itself.

Whereas falling in love is a partial and temporary collapse of ego boundaries, love is permanently self-enlarging experience. The extension of our limits requires effort. Once the comparatively short moment of falling in love has passed, we are usually none the wiser for the experience. When limits are extended or stretched, however, they tend to stay stretched. While falling in love has little to do with purposively nurturing our spiritual development or that of others. If we have any purpose in mind when we fall in love, it is to escape our own loneliness. We are certainly not thinking of enlightenment. Perhaps, after we have fallen in love and before we have fallen out of love again…

It is through reaching toward evolution that we evolve .

Falling in love is in fact very close to real love. The misconception that falling in love is a type of love is so potent precisely because it contains a grain of truth.

The experience of real love also has to do with ego boundaries, since it involves an extension of one’s limits. One’s limits are one’s ego boundaries. When we extend our limits through love, we do so by reaching out, so to speak, toward people, whose growth we wish to nurture. For us to be able to do this, we must first be attracted toward, invested in and committed to an object outside of ourselves, beyond the boundaries of self.

When we bond with an object outside of ourselves, we also incorporate a representation of that object into ourselves. For example, let us consider any hobby. When we develop an interest in something, like cooking, we start small but before we know it, we “love” doing it. Preparing our own meals instead of microwaving pre-processed junk gradually means more to us. We invest in learning the skills involved in performing that particular activity in order to improve. We inadvertantly learn a great deal about our abilities [i.e. strengths, weaknesses, how to overcome the limitations of either…]. We also understand more about our environment as well as the people surrounding us. For instance, historical context, preferences, problems, future possibilities etc.
Despite the fact that the act happens outside of us, through our attention to it, it comes to exist within us. Our knowledge of it and the meaning it has for us are part of him, part of our identity, part of our history, part of our wisdom. In doing so, we have incorporated it in quite a real way within ourselves, and through this incorporation, we expand our consciousness.
What transpires then in the course of many years of “loving”, of extending our limits in the act, is a gradual but progressive enlargement of the self, an incorporation within of the world without, and a growth, a stretching and a thinning of our ego. In this way, the more and longer we extend ourselves, the more we love, the more blurred becomes the distinction between the self and the world. We become identified with the world. And as our ego boundaries become blurred and thinned, we begin more and more to experience the same sort of feeling of ecstasy that we have when our ego boundaries partially collapse and we “fall in love.” Only, instead of having merged temporarily and unrealistically with a single object, we have merged realistically and more permanently with much of the world.

The Difference Between Pain & Suffering

“Pain is inevitable,
Suffering is optional…”

The word ‘pain’ defines a condition of consciousness, in which we experience hardship. In simple terms, it it the condition of having been injured either physically, mentally or emotionally… However, must pain always invoke suffering?

In simple terms, no. At the deepest depths of pain, suffering can become a reality as a result of emotional as well as psychological attachment. In romantic relationships, this can be to the person, who inflicts violence and abuse on an unassuming victim. Yet, more often than not, it is an attachment to our preconceptions.
We believe pain must inevitably lead to suffering, therefore we simply accept suffering as an unchanging, immutable companion of pain…

Where Does Pain Begin?

In the mind, always. From a biochemical perspective, pain starts a spark in the wiring of the brain [i.e. neurotransmitter signaling]. Yet, on a quantum level, any type of pain is mere information. For example, when we put our hand in a burning fire, we are basically reaching into a cobweb of particles that are moving much faster than our own. What we experience as “Ouch, that’s hot.” is a small collision of particles, communicating the extent of the injury. In terms of thermodynamics, two objects are initiating thermal contact, in which they are exchanging energy, but cant achieve an equilibrium. As particles collide, the cells in our hands are acutely aware of what is happening. This causes a wave of signals to surge through the sympathetic nervous system to initate a pre-conditioned response to the experience. As a darwinian throwback, it takes great willpower to keep our hand in the fire, the more intense the flames.

Psychological pain is akin to its physical counterpart in that it is governed by similar laws

As we burn ourselves, we experience a drain on our energy reserves. This drain persists until the injury has healed fully. The pain is a byproduct of not merely the experience, but its engram…the physical equivalent of its impression on the individual consciousness.

However, in the spiritual sense, pain is a result of conflict. The multiverse functions very similarly to a self-contained holomovement, in which various domains of space-time are [thought to be] casually interlinked. From the moment of the Big Bang, universe after universe emerges…yet they remain an intrinsic part of an interconnected whole. Without them as a form of containment unit for space-time, energy-potential could not become energy and energy could not be condensed into matter.

Therein lies the origin of conflict. In an interconnected whole, we are an indivisible part of the totality of the multiverse. We no longer exist as individuals or a planetary collective, we are at one with the cosmos as well as that which gave rise to it. We may feel we are linked as a people or cosmic whole of consciousness, but we rarely translate this knowledge into an actuality.
For what it is worth, realisation of such multiversal unity is as destructive as it is liberating, hence few choose this path. Even at the highest point of enlightenment in the physical body, pain persists, because we remain in the confines of relative existence [i.e. space-time].

Where does suffering end?

What’s the root cause of mental, emotional or physical suffering? Giving power to that which we have no direct control over is what causes suffering. In other words, we relinquish control, which in turn serves as a source of pain that leads to suffering.

Focus on what you can directly control and accept what you cannot.

There’s a dark gap between what you’re doing and what you’re truly capable of. For instance, when we aim to complete a task, we follow our objectives in order to achieve a level of success. This success is more often than not defined by attaining a specific goal, we have no direct control over. Mentally speaking, when we work toward any goal, our mind is preoccupied by past attempts and preconceptions about the future, so it cannot fully concentrate on the process to improve it while it is still ongoing. Our actions throughout the process are fully under our control, but we are too occupied to focus on the present moment.

If we define success as giving our best in the process, then we cannot fail, feel calmly confident, and can accept any outcome with equanimity.

Suffering is the psychological resistance to what happens. A person can inflict physical pain on us, but suffering only come from resisting what is, from fighting with reality…although it’s futile to fight them, because we can’t change or undo what already is. Nevertheless, we fight with reality all the time in our desire for it to be different. We must have it our way, the way we want it, the way we expected it to be…

Whenever we desire something that isn’t in our power, our sense of inner confidence as well as tranquility is shaken. Often, if we don’t get what we want, we’ll be upset, but if we do, we will experience anxiety, apprehension and insecurity. Therefore, we should always focus on what is now…what we can control our actions but not the outcome. We can give all that is in our power, but we must invariably accept whatever happens.

Focus on what you control, and take the rest as it happens in order to make the most of it.

External factors may have the power to affect how and even whether you live, but they don’t have the power over your spirit in this life and those yet to come. Only you yourself can give them this power over the deepest part of you [by failing to act as well as you’re capable of].
We must make sure that our happiness depends as little as possible on internal or external factors. There should be only a loose connection between what happens to us and how happy we feel. We may focus on what we control, trying to make the best of any given situation and only wanting what is within our power…However, that still invites suffering. It is never possible to make happiness consistent with longing. True happiness implies the possession of all which is desired, yet we can never obtain all we desire.
So, what we aim for is a transient state of conditional happiness. We bind our happiness to some past, present or future event. Time after time, we promise ourselves, we will be happy after we have achieved our next goal, but we never are.

We never experience happiness, because we are never satisfied. It’s like trying to wall off the edge of the Earth, we can walk for miles and miles but won’t get any closer. Either we keep on yearning for stuff we don’t have, or we actually have a chance for happiness. We can’t have both. True happiness is when you have all you desire at the point when you desire nothing from the world or it’s people.

If we wish to be unconditionally happy, we must seek happiness within ourselves.

We’ve been equipped with the necessary tools to create a satisfactory life, regardless the hardships we face in life. So, if we want to be content, we must change ourselves and our desires. We cannot change the things that happen in the world around us, we can only change the way we look at those things and what we choose to make out of them

Dare To Dream, For You Are Magic

Have you ever looked into someones eyes, wanting to believe them but just knew how badly it would end and tried anyway? Have you ever steered your chosen destiny off course, just because it felt right? Have you ever yearned for the presence of another person so intensely, you’ve felt disconnected from the world and all those within?

While you pursue your dreams,
Be mindful of the passage of time.
Persist against the odds.
Live to think freely…

When you wake up in the morning, what’s the first thought that echoes through the corridors of your mind? What’s your last thought, before drift sweetly into the endless night? When we think of specific people, objects or experiences, they merely represent what our heart longs for at its core. However, getting what we want can never still its desire completely. To live is to want the next best thing, or so it might seem…

In truth, there is a fickleness in our affection or loyalty toward what we desire. At each moment, what we want can change…and thereby our dreams.
Nevertheless, there are constant yearnings that are well hidden underneath our seemingly capricious nature. Each day, these dreams surface quietly and often unnoticed…Still, they are there for our entire lives.
If dreams perish slowly until that one fateful day, on which they inevitably die a violent death, they merely sink to the bottom of the conscious mind…They remain ever-biding their time for some form of ambiguous hope. In its absence, they tend to linger in a state, where they continue to draw energy from the body as well as the mind [to exist]. Should they surface prematurely, when they can be fulfilled in a way that will integrate them into the active aspects of the mind, then unprocessed wounds may heal and form barely noticable scars. Conversely, should they rise before their time, then the dream may die once more. At times, this can be less excruciating, but more often than not, the pain increases. Old wounds reopen as new ones are inflicted on top of them. Afterwards it is fairly natural for the dream to sink down even lower. Dependent on the intensity of the trauma, it can be fully/partially suppressed or it might just hover on the border between the conscious and the unconscious…

Important:

Denial differs from suppression in one significant aspect. Pretending a dream was never conceived or a series of events never took place isn’t the same as inhibiting memories of it.

So, when you ask yourself, what is that one secret flight of fancy, which will never relinquish its hold over me…How would you answer?
Let your mind grow silent and calm. Contemplate if there was nothing, what would I long to do most of all? After various ideas, perhaps the truth will reveal itself.

It should be noted that it takes years to unbury and contemplate each one. What every dream represents is a door to self-fulfilment in the form of self-realisation. Karma yoga, cosmic unity through action and therein resultant experiences. Now, the key is to uncover our innermost self in order to pursue a dream worth fighting for. Regardless of the struggle, we face along the way, we must pick something that we are able to persevere with. No dream is worth dying for unless it changes at least one other persons live for the better permanently…

How Far Would You Go Not To Break?

Who are you undereath? What makes you tick? More importantly, what would it take for you to break?

We each have our particular weaknesses to be exploited by those for whom it is a strength. In other words, life is getting pissed on from a great height repeatedly, trying not to get wet.
As though, it actually mattered how much we suffer in the open or behind closed doors, we pretend to care for others. Yet, the majorty of us have more significant tasks to devote their attention to. For instance, satisfaction at any cost.
People will say or do whatever is necessary to get what they want. To them, there is little difference between doing the right thing and ensuring their self-interests are met above everyone elses. Truth be told, I sometimes wonder, if there still is anyone who doesn’t, except for me? The world turns, people are not committing suicide en masse, so there must be plenty, right? Wrong! They are too rare…

Compassion is few and far between in this world, but we should never deny its healing potential. Its effects on the mind have the power to attribute less meaning to memories with a high impact on our presence of mind. In a way, compassion serves as a form of collective self-protection. Conversely, when we are denied it for a prolonged period of time, the want for protection is often overridden by the desire for self-destruction.

“Safety is an illusion”

On the surface, we are conditioned never to look too deep. It is the safest way to avoid painful realisations or the horrible truths about the world or ourselves. As a survival and coping mechanism, this serves to prolong life while making it more difficult for us to break our preconceptions. The deeper, we stare into ourselves, the more the question becomes “how long can we stand the pain?” In general, it depends on how resilient and resistant, we are…but our time is limited. Nobody can cope forever. Eventually, we are forced to ask ourselves, if we can continue until irreperably breaking (i.e. breaking while others watch and do nothing) or if we wish to take back control.
At the very precipes of self-destruction, we have already been destroyed in that we have already made the decision to go forward. However, such a choice is only as inevitable as our committment to do what needs to be done for the right reasons. If we believe, we are worthy of mercy, we must be the first to be benevolent to ourselves. If we are convinced, we are deserving of another chance, we must be the first to give it…Lastly, if we are down and out, then we should not hesistate to put ourselves out of our mysery by any non-violent means available to us.

When picking up the broken pieces of ourselves on the floor, we should truly contemplate how many other times, the exact same thing has happened in order to draw a conclusion. If it has happened too often, the underlying cause should be removed from the equation to guarantee success. However, if the underlying problem is a person, we cant detach from, then the process of resolution becomes a tad more ethically tainted…if we wish to persist regardless of the consequences.

In my case, when the disasterous factor is always you, then it is best to cut as many ties as possible. After all, alone is what people like us do best, simply because we have to…simply because it will never change. Some of us make it through to the bitter end, while others take the preferable options of cutting their suffering short. In all fairness, they might definitely be the lucky ones. Hell, even in the worlds worst dump with the most severe case of spiritual amensia, they are more fortunate than the rest. They need no longer be trapped in world, in which their heart is treated as though it does not exist at all. In any eventuality, who would even notice ther absence? Others impose their perception upon them and they are supposed to agree without question or hesitation. They will simply find someone else to fulfill the same role time after time, no matter the damage, they inflict. Worst thing is, more often than not, the next person will actually play along. They do this for a very simple reason: They know no different.

In our world,
The more you care,
The more vulternable you become.

On a personal note, the concept behind relationships has never been difficult for me to grasp. It is a simple matter of loyalty, respect and empathy in order to build a lasting raport. Yet, in practice, the truly real people, we meet in life are very few. They are the ones, we can turn to, when we are in depserate need of a shoulder to cry on and they’ll always be there. They are the ones, who will believe in us, when no one else can. They are the ones, who’ll take us in, when we have nowhere to go.
As may be easily ascertained, such generosity no longer exists for a small percentage of the mainstream population. After a while, it becomes simpler to just detach from the idea instead to be continuously taunted by it.
People like me are those, who sit on an empty bench by themselves and observe people passing by. We watch their interactions and keep wondering, “Is that even a possibility for me?”. Although we have learnt through many years of experience that it isnt, the thought keeps popping up. Hope refuses to perish. The notion, we may belong, cannot be banished from the mind indefinitely. As a deeply embedded part of our survival instinct, it requires extreme measures to be rid of such a notion permanently. By the time, we reach mid-adulthood, unfulilled desires such as that tend to surface far more intensely. They may create a level of inner upheaval but will disappear soon enough, before reappearing during the mid-life crisis.
In any scenario, belonging is a state of mind. To feel as though we belong can either be delusional or factual, but the feeling itself cannot be forced. For instance, if someone doesn’t feel that they belong, they cannot be made to feel more comfortable by other people overcompensating for past behaviour. It simply creates paranoia and angst.

In truth, as a species, we are beginning to lack the very qualities that define lasting relationships of any kind, from friendship to marriage. The loyal are used for their dedication. Respect is perceived as a weakness. Empathy requires more than a few seconds of thinking about another person without thinking “Me First”.

To remove yourself from the equation of life is just this easy. It is an untangling of our attachments and aversions. It is a process through which we let go completely. We do not cease to feel the relevant emotions associated with strong affinity or dislike toward something/someone, we merely cease to react to them externally as well as internally. In essence, the key is to display compassion, but never get psychologically involved or emotionally entangled.
It can be achieved without much effort, if one has very little ties to the social foundations of our modern civilisation. Off-Grid living would be ideal, of course, but few manage work and attain such a goal without solemn determination to succeed at every cost.

Fading Dreams of the Night

She’s lying in bed motionless. Her head weighs heavily on the pillow as her eyes stare into the distance. She breathes in, she breathes out…Yet she can barely feel her body anymore. Her chest rises and falls, but only she dares to look within. To her, everything feels hollow. An empty shell, obscuring a spaceless, timeless existence filled with limitless potential. There is the want to believe…the desire to trust…in the process of life, but perhaps, she never can…

With every inhale, sleep fades that much further away.
With each exhale, her mind descends into a world of total silence.

The deeper, she treads, the more control she relinquishes until there is none and merely the illusion of control remains. Inch by inch, she releases her grip on that which must never surface. She ventures ever so deep, where no one must ever go…to a cold, dark corner in the back of her mind. It neither comes nor goes, always lurking in the shadows to remind her of who she truly is inside. Night after night, she watches while layer after layer peels back…As though, her every living thought sifts through an hourglass.
With each grain, another memory passes by. Sometimes, they pull her apart with a sharp jerk at the sheer recollection of pain suppressed at the time. Always, they chip away a tiny bit more of what she used to be and she doesn’t mind in the slightest.
With each grain, she lingers in anticipation, longing for the moment before there’ll be nothing left…No more roles to play…No more to bury…No more to hide…No more of anything at all, but the freedom of absolute truth.

Her eyes fall shut slowly. She’s staring into the blackness of her eyelids. Colours fade, only darkness persists. Gradually drifting further into the distance, her breathing deepens. The ache in her side grows with each day, yet there’s no one to tell her what she doesn’t already know. The bottle awaits, but she wont heed its call. Sleeping pills whisper sweet promises of relief, but she cant swallow another.
Amidst the dying of the light, her defences fall away. She won’t go gently into the calm and restful night…but then that has never been her raison d’être. Fated to walk the Earth without a place to call home, she’ll stare at the cloudless, starry night…safe within herself… Destined to march onward.
She’ll imagine the faint ripples of their light, streaming across a vast cosmic ocean. Sometimes, she’ll contemplate why she can never leave a lasting impression of what can’t be conceived with the mind but only be felt through the heart. Seldom, she’ll wonder, if her spirit can be at peace again…and each time, as the last few grains of sand drip down the hourglass, she’ll forever plead for a soul whose love was once pure.