Back, when the world was big


Composed in 2006
In loving memory of Walter G. Sulser

Back, when the world was big,
He lifted me up high, so I could see the hills.
Back, when he sat at the edge of my bed,
…When I had dreamt badly.
Yes, back then the world was big.
Back, when he talked me out, what she forbade me.

Back, when the night became day,
We believed, that it would never end.
Early in the morning they were just gone,
My sweaty clothes I stripped off.
It was still dark, when I got on the bus.

I was breathing hardly… Still.
After this, the world wasn’t the same,
Everything changed, though I stayed the same.
Every night I waited for the garage-door to creak,
I waited for him to sit on my bed and say goodnight one last night.

Back, when the world was big,
Every country seemed exciting.
Back then, somebody hid behind every door,
…Someone who knew the way to go.

Every time, when I think of it…
Of how much I miss him…
Another hour begins.
But she doesn’t understand it…
And never will…

When the world was little,
I lost the man,
Who lifted me up high,
When it was big.

Introspection without Introspeculations


Scientific research composed and compiled by Shaun Gallagher and Morten Overgaard

We have little to say about pain itself. It is clear that although pain is distinguishable from other experiential states, Price and Aydede do not isolate it from those other experiential dimensions (especially the affective). Thus they write: “First, pain, unlike most conscious experiential states such as visual, auditory, tactile experiences, have an immediate affective and emotional aspect to it, which underlies its intimate personal as well as clinical urgency”. Our ordinary experience of pain, then, is not of some pure painfulness and we should even say that pain infects our visual, auditory, tactile experiences. When I am in pain, my experience of the world via these various modalities is affected and indeed, these perceptual experiences do have affective and emotional aspects to them that may be the result of the pain itself. So we agree that pain does not function as an object of our perceptual experience, but infiltrates that experience itself. “Notice that pain here is not the object of our perceptual experience, but rather, it is the experience itself”. But this also motivates the following question: to what extent does the pain that one tries to introspect actually affect the introspection? This is just the opposite of what might be the more expected methodological question: to what extent does introspection affect (change) the experience of pain (or any experience)?

The authors argue that introspection is indispensable and that it is already a part of third-person studies. But what is the nature of the introspection that is already practiced in science? There does seem to be a very basic agreement among scientists interested in introspection that it involves a direct attending to the subject’s own consciousness, no matter how one would go about defining introspection from there.
To quote just a few of the “first-generation introspectionists,” Knight Dunlap writes “Introspection’ is usually defined in terms which are equivalent to the expression consciousness scrutinizing itself.” (1912). Angell writes: “It [introspection] consists simply in the direct examination of one’s own mental processes” (1908). Stratton considers it to be the “direct acquaintance with the state of our minds which all of us to some extent possess” (1914). Finally, William James characterizes it as “the looking into our own minds” (James 1890). Price and Aydede, however, suggest that it is beyond the scope of their paper to examine the nature of introspection, and they are satisfied with some combination of HOP and HOT models. They suggest that nothing crucial about their analysis depends on this issue. We disagree, especially in regard to the first part of their paper. For purposes of discussion we will stay with the model they propose, but we note that there is certainly much more to say about whether HOP or HOT models genuinely capture the concept of introspection. What’s important here is that whether one appeals to HOP, HOT, or some alternative phenomenological model of introspection, introspection is understood as a reflective second-order cognitive act that thematizes first-order phenomenal experience, and makes that experience the object of reflection. Price and Aydede claim that, concerning this kind of introspection, “there isbabsolutely no reason to think that the use of such a first-person approach is scientifically and methodologically suspect.” Especially with respect to what they characterize as the introspection already practiced in experimental settings, however, there may be some justified suspicion. Indeed, and on a more basic level, before we get to the issue of scientific reliability, we think that Price and Aydede’s analysis may reflect a not uncommon confusion about the very nature of introspection and how it is practiced. Indeed, in controlled scientific experiments that require verbal reports, it is not clear at all that introspection is used in any strict methodological fashion. There are really two points here. First, whether the practices that Price and Aydede call introspective are really introspective; second, whether those practices are above suspicion.

According to Price and Aydede, introspection is already practiced in experimental science because “the subjects’ verbal reports [or nonverbal behaviors like button pushes] about their own cognitive states have routinely been taken as evidence for the cognitive models postulated”. First, one might argue that all reports given by subjects are, at least indirectly, about their own cognitive (mental, emotional, experiential) states. If one instructs a subject to push a button, or say “now” when she sees the light come on, then the subject is reporting about the light, but also about her visual experience. Even if one instructs the subject in a way that carefully avoids mention of an experiential state: “Push the button when the light comes on,” the only access that the subject has to the fact of the light coming on is by way of her experience of the light coming on. In this sense the first-person perspective is inherent in all experiments that depend on subjects’ reports. One might follow this to its logical conclusion, that even scientific observations made by the experimenter, usually considered as third-person data, presuppose and are tied to first-person reports of the scientist. The scientist might say “The subject’s premotor cortex was activated 300msecs before the subject raised her arm.” But that could easily be a report on the scientist’s experienced perception of the instrument that measured the timing of the activation. It would be odd, however, to say that this third-person fact was based on introspection, although it is a first-person report of the scientist. More generally, however, and less extremely, it is odd to say that the first-person reports of a subject are necessarily introspective, although this is precisely what Price and Aydede claim. For example, I may ask the subject to say “now” when she sees the light come on.
How precisely does the subject know when she sees the light come on? Does she reflectively introspect her experience looking for the particular visual state of seeing the light come on? Or does she simply see the light come on and report that? One might ask, “How could she possibly report that she sees the light come on if she doesn’t introspectively see that she sees the light come on? Is it possible that we can report on what we experience without employing introspection?” There is a long tradition in philosophical phenomenology (specifically the tradition that follows Husserl) that answers in the affirmative. We can report on what we experience without using introspection because we have an implicit, nonintrospective, prereflective self-awareness of our own experience. At the same time that I see the light, I know that I see the light. This knowledge of seeing the light is not based on reflectively or introspectively turning our attention to our own experience. It is rather built into our experience as an essential part of it, and it is precisely that which defines our experience as conscious experience. On this view, I consciously experience the light coming on just as I see the light coming on. I don’t have to verify through introspection that I have just seen the light come on, since my first-order phenomenal experience
First-person reports of this kind, then, are not introspective reports. They are prereflective experiential reports. So it is not correct to say that from a first-person perspective “conscious experiences seem accessible only through introspection” or “introspection seems to be the only available method of access to qualia” This applies to pain as well. It is not the case that our access to pain phenomena is “only through the special epistemic faculty of introspection”. Indeed, introspection on pain is usually motivated only because we already know that we are in pain—and we have that knowledge prereflectively, and can report it on that basis, without introspecting it. A stimulus is applied. The experimenter asks, “Is that painful?” I do not have to introspect to say “yes.” I do not have to “observe/believe that such and such sensations” are happening to me (ibid., p. 252).
I can report directly and immediately on my experience of pain because my access is directly and immediately in the pain experience.
In addition, not all reports are about consciously experienced states. In philosophy and especially in cognitive science, there seems to be agreement, at least to a large extent, that not all mental states are conscious (Marcel 1983). Examples such as blind-sight and subliminal perception serve to illustrate that subjects may perform a number of tasks that we normally do not hesitate to call “mental” even though subjects report no conscious awareness of them. Therefore, it seems logical to conclude that not all reports about mental states are introspective, that is, not all of them are about consciousness.
The second point concerns how reliable or how methodological such experiential reports are. In general and for many cases, these kinds of reports do seem very reliable. If an experimenter applies a stimulus that causes a relatively high degree of pain, or a sensory stimulus that is well above threshold, the subjects’ reports that they experience the stimulus as painful or as clearly present seem above suspicion. Reliability may decrease, however, when the stimulus is closer to threshold, and may depend on the mode of report, or other subjective factors that qualify the report. Marcel (1993), for example, has shown that requests for quick reports of close-to-threshold stimuli using different modes of report (verbal, eye blink, button push) elicit contradictory responses. At the appearance of a just noticeable light stimulus, subjects will report with a button push that they did see the light and then contradict that with a verbal report. This kind of data, and more generally, uneven or inconsistent data can motivate two different strategies. Most often, following established scientific procedure,vdata are averaged out across trials or subjects, and the inconsistencies are washed out. Less often, scientists are motivated to take this first-person data seriously and to employ introspective methods to investigate it. The second part of Price and Aydede’s paper turns to what is genuinely the use of introspection in such contexts.

Methodologies of Introspection

So far we have argued that not all verbal reports on experience are introspective reports, and introspection is not the only access we have to experience. Thus we take issue with Price and Aydede’s claim that “Introspection is a way—apparently the only way—of coming to know about our experiences and their qualities directly”. Even if, however, many first-person reports found in scientific experiments are first-person, nonintrospective experiential reports, we do not mean to rule out the usefulness of introspection. The use of introspective reports, that is, self-reports that thematize experience, can certainly provide more information about the subject’s experience. In regard to pain, for instance, introspective reports can specify the qualities and subjective measurements of pain. In addition, if done in a methodically controlled way, introspection can address issues pertaining to the reliability of some
nonintrospective experiential reports.
It will be fruitful to compare and contrast three different models of how to employ a methodical introspection in experimental situations: (1) Price and Aydede’s experiential model; (2) what has been called a “new introspectionism,” developed by Overgaard, his colleagues, and a number of other researchers (e.g., Marcel 1983, 2003; Jack and Roepstorff 2002; see comments by Frith 2002; Gallagher 2002); and (3) the method of neurophenomenology developed by Varela (1996), Lutz, and their colleagues (Lutz et al. 2002). All three share the same ambition to improve techniques for subjective reporting in order to gain more insights into the “subjective pole” inb comparison between objective neural states and subjective conscious states.

The Experiential Model

Price and Aydede suggest an approach consisting of two stages. First, one is to use a “horizontal approach” in which an investigator or subject introspectively examines what some or other subjective state feels like. Price and Aydede advise us to avoid speculations about why something was experienced and to focus specifically on how it feels instead, thus avoiding interpreting or judging one’s own experiences. To do this, they argue that one should notice experiences passively without controlling attention so that one observes ongoing thoughts, emotions, or perceptions as if they were “seen in the periphery of one’s visual field.” Price and Aydede suggest not only “simple” kinds of experiential states as objects for the introspective examination, but, apart from their main example of pain, they suggest performance anxiety as a kind of mental state that can be studied with their approach.
The introspective examination consists not only of “inner observation” but also of a description or verbalization of the observations. Of course, aside from the possibilities presented by those who are poetically blessed, one cannot describe, say, the sensation of coldness with many words. Our ordinary, prosaic linguistic practices have not sufficiently evolved to describe a subjective state in such a way that someone who never experienced coldness himself would get an idea of what that sensation is like simply through the description. To address this scarcity of words, Price and Aydede want their subjects to describe associations and thoughts that may arise in connection with the relevant experience: “Intense burning and throbbing in my hand. Feel bothered by this and slightly annoyed. Is it going to get stronger? Feeling of concern. Hope my hand isn’t going to be scalded.”
Price and Aydede suggest that scientists should use themselves as subjects. The example of a description of associations that arise when lowering one’s hand into cold water was in fact given by one of the authors of the paper. The argument for using oneself, as investigator, as a subject, seems to be that the reports of the investigators are as “subjective” as are the reports of naive subjects, and, in this sense, just as valid as experimental data. However, one should not forget that investigators must be assumed to always have certain hypotheses and results they hope to find, and thus they are likely more biased as subjects. Using the same argument as Price and Aydede, one could say that given that investigators and naive subjects have the same status in terms of validity, one could reduce the possibility of the confounding effects of interpretations and judgments by using naive (though probably trained) subjects only.
Price and Aydede believe that their approach is compatible with experimental methods found in psychophysics. To integrate their rather open method of describing experiences, however, they find it necessary to ask subjects to scale the presence of, say, “a throbbing sensation of pain,” “fear of bodily harm,” or some other state described by the subjects themselves during the “open description.” This would in essence make possible a quantification of the descriptions, and, as such, it would make the reports commensurable with cognitive neuroscience. This is the second, “vertical,” aspect of their approach. In classical cognitive neuroscience, one uses stimulus input as an experimental variable. Subjects would be presented with two or more different kinds of stimuli and in order to find the neural activations for perceiving one kind of stimulus, the neural activations caused by the other kinds of stimuli would be subtracted from the first. Thus, the reasoning goes, one will find the essential features involved with perceiving the first kind of stimulus. When using neuroscientific techniques there seems no way around using such a subtractive method even though it has been severely criticized (Friston et al. 1996; Overgaard 2004). However, one does not need to define one’s variables based upon different stimuli. One could keep stimulus features constant and only vary the instructions as now seen in an increasing number of studies, or one could define the experimental conditions based on the subjective reports themselves. This latter strategy is suggested by Price and Aydede, and it points to a way of integrating the open, subjective reporting strategy with the methodology of cognitive neuroscience. Price and Aydede do not stand alone defending this kind of view on subjective reports and their integration with neuroscience. On several occasions, the authors appeal to introspectionism and phenomenology as research directions with similar goals. Within both traditions, in the last decade, new developments have occurred that deserve a comparison with the suggestions of Price and Aydede.

New Introspectionism

A “new” introspectionist approach to subjective reporting has been put forward in Marcel 1983, 2003; Jack and Roepstorff 2002; Overgaard 2003a; Overgaard, Nielsen, and Fuglsang-Frederiksen 2004; and is further developed in Overgaard and Sørensen 2004; and Ramsøy and Overgaard 2004.
In Overgaard 2003, an outline for introspective reporting is described. It is suggested that one should perform consciousness studies on a metaphysically neutral ground, and that an important reason for the shortcomings of classical introspectionism was the commitment to certain metaphysical claims, for example, the belief in “elementarism.” It is suggested that one should use introspective reporting in experiments on consciousness, given that nonintrospective reporting may reflect non-conscious processing. Furthermore, it is suggested that one should reconsider the use of stimulus conditions as the only variable in experiments in cognitive neuroscience, and instead use differences in instructions or in the subjects’ own reporting as the categories of analysis. This line of thinking corresponds very well with Price and Aydede’s reflections on the use of subjective reporting in experiments as well as in analysis of data. Ramsøy and Overgaard (2004) presented subjects with a visual identification task using varied durations, and asked subjects (1) to guess what was shown on the computer screen, and (2) to scale how clearly they experienced the image. The steps of the scale, including their definitions, were made by the subjects themselves with the instruction that there should be a 1:1 correspondence between experienced differences and reported differences. After a pilot experiment, in which the subjects developed the scale and became accustomed to using it, the actual experiment was run. The subjects ended up using more or less the same scale (named the Phenomenal Awareness Scale or PAS), and for reasons of analysis, the investigators decided to merge the scales to include only the points of the scale that were shared by the subjects. This strategy corresponds almost completely to the proposals of Price and Aydede in the “horizontal stage” of analysis, and in the transformation from the horizontal to the vertical strategy.
In Overgaard, Nielsen, and Fuglsang-Frederiksen 2004, PAS was used with different subjects when using a similar visual display, and coupled with transcranial magnetic stimulation and EEG. This study aimed to identify the involvement of the ventral projection streams from primary visual cortex in visual consciousness.
In effect, the approach of “new introspectionism” (described in more detail in Overgaard 2003b) shares all important features with the approach of Price and Aydede. The subjects started out using their own terminology, which then was used for the purpose of scaling the subjective reports, and finally, it was integrated with neuroscience to search for neural correlates of consciousness.
There are some minor differences between the two approaches as well. Price and Aydede seem more optimistic about which mental phenomena one can study with their suggested approach. Yet, during the horizontal stage, a phenomenon like performance anxiety would give rise to many different associations and thoughts, with the result that it would be almost impossible to tell whether the very different subjective reports basically reflect identical conscious states. Even in the example of the experience of coldness, as mentioned above, the “spontaneous utterings” of the subjects are so relatively different that the investigators must perform some amount of interpretation of the reports in order to create categories suitable for quantitative analysis. Such a post hoc analysis, of course, shares all the problems of the creation of reporting categories in advance of an experiment.

A further line of research using introspective reports aims to identify differences between reports that are specifically about “how” something is experienced and reports about “what” is experienced. In Overgaard and Sørensen 2004, subjects were presented with a simple design for visual stimuli. On one of three possible locations, a simple figure followed by a mask would appear. The figure was either a triangle, a square, or a circle, or some variation of one these figures (e.g., a half-circle, an upside-down triangle, or a combination of two figures). The colour was either blue, green, or red, although the hue varied. The subjects were to identify the displayed figure by pointing at the corresponding figure drawn on three scales: one for stimulus shape, one for color, and one for the location. The scale of shapes consisted of a display of thirty-four different figures, some of which were included in the data material. The scale of colors consisted of eight different levels of hue for the colors. As with the shapes, only some of the colors were actually included as stimuli. The scale of positions displayed the fixation cross in the middle and the three different locations where the stimulus could occur. The responses of the subjects were treated as being either “correct,” “incorrect,” or “near correct.” “Near correct” responses partially matched stimulus in a manner that was only partially correct (e.g., when they pointed at the same color as the one presented, but in a brighter or darker tone). The results of the data analysis showed that subjects in the nonintrospective condition had significantly more correct and incorrect responses, whereas the introspective subjects most often were “near correct.” In addition, subjects in the introspective condition tended to be more liberal about their reports of, say, color, while the subjects in the nonintrospective condition tended to show a more conservative style conforming to specific color categories.
These results open up questions such as to what degree and how precisely introspection might change (visual) experiences. It seems necessary to address the issue if or how this knowledge should change our way of using introspective reports.

Neurophenomenology

A third approach, neurophenomenology, as espoused by Francisco Varela (1996), follows the phenomenological tradition initiated by Husserl. This view involves training both the scientists and the experimental subjects in phenomenological method, including use of the phenomenological reduction, that is, the setting aside or “bracketing” of opinions or theories that a subject may have about his experience. This method involves shifting our attention from what we experience to how we experience. This correlates well with Price and Aydede’s advice to avoid speculations about why something was experienced and to focus specifically on how it feels. Lutz et al. (2002) employ the neurophenomenological method to study the highly variable successive brain responses to repeated and identical stimulations in many empirical testing situations that target specified cognitive tasks. Their hypothesis is that this variability is generated in mental fluctuations due to the subject’s attentive state, spontaneous thought processes, strategy decisions for carrying out the task, and so on. These subjective parameters include distractions, cognitive interference, and so on. To control for such subjective processes is difficult and they are usually averaged out across a series of trials and across subjects. Lutz and his colleagues decided to take these subjective parameters more seriously. They combined a process of trained phenomenological reflection with the dynamical analysis of neural processes measured by EEG in a paradigm involving a 3-D perceptual illusion. Importantly, Lutz and his colleagues used the introspective first-person data not simply as more data for analysis, but as contributing to their analytic framework.
Phenomenological training in this experiment consisted in training subjects to deliver consistent and clear reports of their experience through a reflective introspection. The goal of phenomenological reflection is to gain intuitions of the structural invariants of an experience, not to average them out. Phenomenological reflection can be either self-induced by subjects familiar with it (not unlike Price and Aydede’s proposal that the scientist use herself as the subject), or guided by the experimenter through open questions…questions directed not at opinions or theories, but at experience. Again, this resembles the “open description” discussed by Price and Aydede.
Rather than employing predefined categories, and asking “Do you think this experience is like X or Y or Z?” the open question asks simply “How would you describe your experience?” Open questions posed immediately after the task help the subject to redirect his or her attention toward the implicit strategy or degree of attention he or she implemented during the task. Subjects can be reexposed to the stimuli until they find “their own stable experiential invariants” to describe the specific elements of their experiences.
In a series of preliminary or practice trials, the subjects developed descriptions (refined verbal reports) of the subjective parameters while engaged in a depth perception task. Subjects thus became knowledgeable about their own experience and developed descriptions of experiential invariants on the basis of open questions, reporting on the presence or absence or degree of distractions, inattentive moments, cognitive strategies, and so on. On the basis of these first-person introspective descriptions, descriptive categories were formulated a posteriori to create phenomenologically based clusters that are then used as analytic tools in the main trials. For example, with regard to the subject’s experienced readiness for the stimulus, the results specified three readiness states: steady readiness (SR), in which subjects reported that they were alert and well prepared as the task began; fragmented readiness (FR) in which subjects reported that they were prepared less “sharply” (due to a momentary tiredness) or less “focally” (due to small distractions, etc.); and unreadiness (SU) in which subjects reported that they were unprepared as the task began. Subjects then used these categories to report their readiness state during the main trials as the experimenters recorded the electrical brain activity. The first-person reports were correlated with both behavioral measures (reaction times) and dynamic descriptions of the transient patterns of local and long-distance synchrony occurring between oscillating neural populations. Using these correlations, Lutz et al. were able to show that distinct subjective parameters correlate to specific dynamic brain patterns just prior to presentation of the stimulus. The results were significantly different relative to results based on averaging across trials.
The experimental protocol used in Lutz et al. 2002 thus employs a practical phenomenological method. The subjects are asked to provide a description of their own experience using an open-question format, and thus without the imposition of predetermined theoretical categories. They are trained to gain introspective intimacy with their own experience. Their first-person introspective reports are then intersubjectively and scientifically validated both in setting up the phenomenological clusters and in using those clusters to interpret results that correlated with objective measurements of behavior and brain activity.

Conclusion

These three approaches share a number of common features.
1. Use of preliminary trials or pilot experiments to train subjects and to develop introspective or phenomenological descriptions of experience or subject-developed scales
(Lutz; Overgaard).
2. A pushing aside of theories or speculations in favor of attending to how experience is happening (Price and Aydede’s avoidance of speculation; Varela’s phenomenological reduction).
3. The use of open questions to develop a description of the experience (Price and Aydede’s “open description”; Lutz’s open questions).
4. The formulation of common categories that transform first-person introspective descriptions into intersubjectively verified and commonly understood reports (Lutz’s phenomenological clusters; Overgaard)
5. The use of these phenomenologically generated categories not just as data, but also as part of the analytical instrument (Price and Aydede; Overgaard; Lutz).
6. The integration of first-person data with third-person behavioral, psychophysical, and neurological measurement (EEG, TMS, PET, fMRI) in search of correlations among experiences, brain activity, and behavioral responses (Price and Aydede; Overgaard; Lutz). Putting all of these elements together may provide a fuller and more detailed conception of how a methodical introspection could work than found in any one of the models. Perhaps a more integrated model that recognizes the precise difference between introspection and first-person, prereflexive, experiential reports is now called for.

Appointment with Death – What If We Can’t?


What is life and who has the right to judge what should or shouldn’t be? Who has control over what can and can’t be? We may think the miracle of life as something sacred that must only be prevented in the case of physical harm to the mother or forced conception. We might occasionally imagine how precious moments of togetherness could foster a lasting bond...But there is a clear line when fantasy meets reality, which is birth

We can ponder what could be until the rest of eternity, however, we cannot escape the consequences of our actions once we reach a certain point. The further along we are, the more our options are limited until only two remain. Up to the 8th week, chemical abortion through a small pill is offered at free clinics. Although there is mild discomfort and some bleeding, the procedure is considered to be physically harmless. Up to the 10th week, surgical removal of the foetus is permitted by scooping it out. Outside of Europe, there are often alternatives further along in the pregnancy. Personally, I would be uncomfortable exploring any option above the pill, unless I truly wanted to get “that thing” out of me. However, dependent on the circumstances, pregnancy can alter our perception not merely through sentimentality or hormones…Every woman must make her own decision. One that is right for her and her alone. Nobody else. Whether others approve of her decision should be irrelevant, as it is her body. If her personal philosophy cannot reconcile with the idea and move forward, then what is she to do? This is a decision many women face, who still believe in the importance of upholding their values…due to what most call a lapse of judgement… As a teenager, in my opinion, to make the choice is less complicated. With so much life unlived, we ought to not burden ourselves before collecting experiences. Yet, once we are close to thirty, we begin to wonder…when could we be in a bearable position financially? How old do we want to be when our kids leave home? Our answers are nothing compared to the real thing. When opportunity knocks, everything changes. If we are barely getting by, but can’t take the leap, then would choose would destroy herself…by the going against every inch of her faith or by the burden of becoming a single mother…either choice would destroy something within…by going against every inch of ourselves or by the burden of becoming a single mother… When we struggle for whatever reason before the pregnancy, our hardship won’t lessen. People around us will not ease off on their stressful interactions with us at appropriate as well as inappropriate times. In fact, they will persist further. When the odds are morally debatable, then others may act in ways toward the pregnant woman that are unethical, abusive or even life-threatening. She must accept the responsibility to protect her offspring, if she wishes to keep it. Sadly, nothing is guaranteed. We cannot shield ourselves or others, just from the consequences of our own choices after we have decided. Once we make either choice, we must commit completely and never waiver. After all, we are playing with death in the attempt to control life…for comfort ot even for all the right reasons, but always at a steep cost.

We must never give up believing in the potential for nurture to bring out the best in someone brought up in the most unfavourable circumstances. It can be the cliché of the only good thing to come out of a situation, but we must bear it mind, it might not be… It could be the catalyst for something else entirely…

Ultimately, our choice is all about what we can live with. What we desired before we conceived may not be what we want now. What we clung to in order to keep us going might no longer get us through this. Both decisions can be a sign of strength, when we are in full pursuit of our heart. When we “deal with” an unwanted or wanted pregnancy and move forward without psychological fallout, then we have coped in a way that was right for us. Conversely, when we choose to carry to term, because we simply cannot terminate for whatever reason, we are equally doing right by us. In truth, there is no right or wrong, when it comes to abortion. As long as we make a decision, we can commit to in the long run, we have chosen correctly. The worst thing we can do is allow ourselves to be pressured into something that we aren’t ready for. Under no circumstances, should we tolerate threats for how we deal with the situation or our final choice. These are merely means to coerce us into solving a perceived problem, which impacts you more than them, in a certain way that suits them…However, due to their egotistical nature, they could fail to acknowledge how the decision-making process weighs on you or how the added stress can prevent you from forming a conclusion with a clear head.

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The Bitter Truth of Leadership


We admire strength, boldness and power, so we seek those who possess it. We lavish wisdom, forethought and emotional freedom, so we strive to be near those who impart those qualities. However, to w…

Source: The Bitter Truth of Leadership

Sweet Cancer


He lets out a cloud of smoke,
Before sighting in thought,
They’re starring at him,
Judging…

Thinking of it as a dirty,
…filthy, health deteriorating habit,
Which leads to a
Slow and painful death.

They all curse it,
While adherence to cheat death,
With the likes of living painfully health conscious,
With the gifts modern science has given us.

He lights another cigarette,
While his central line on his neck
Becomes visible…
Ironical, isn’t it?

Those who poison mother nature the most,
Blame those who poison themselves,
And those around them,
Of course not like them.

Addiction,
Low-self worth,
Reckless masochism,
The reasons condemning him to death.

He won’t come of old age,
Not anymore…
His time,
Is running up.

Cigarettes have embarked
On their warpath…
Of a slow,
And excruciating death.

He chose his fate,
Apparently…
At least,
That’s what they say.

So what’s the point?
He doesn’t fear pain
Or death…
Nor does he think he should have to.

The Opposer


Written 2007

No matter how loud.
No matter how many.
People remain people.
Thoughts remain thoughts.

A heavy breath.
A sick feeling in the stomach.
Tiredness in the mind,
While bit by bit, we burn out.

Trying is never good enough.
Living is never comfortable.
The truth is never less painful,
Nor is love ever truly returned .

Close to a breakdown,
But never quitting to function…
Not being able to,
Or life crumbles under its own weight.

Nobody to speak to,
No instant to be ourselves,
Never a place to rest,
When we solely pretend to belong.

There’s too much noise
In a world unwilling to listen…
There’s too many lonely
In a world with so many strangers…

No matter how loud…
No matter how many…
Cries remain unheard.
Tears remain unseen.

Unbolted


There are many hidden doors inside of her. Some she remembers closing herself, others she barely recalls creating. A few or them she tried open, but she couldn’t continue for the damage it’d wreak. She made certain to bolt those shut for good, even if that meant never experiencing things other people considered normal. She’ll never feel safe, not completely, not in the long run…She’s accepted that too long ago to worry over the fact. Hell, that was the first lesson, she learnt. There is no escape, not in the remotest of places. Not even with the kindest of people. Since then, she has become accustomed to living in a way that nothing touches her, until it did…

If she let’s go, she’s the only one to be held responsible. If she loses control, she alone reaps the consequences. When she lets her true thoughts slip, she must make amends no matter how genuine the hurt or justified the cause. Like any man, her freedom of thought, speech and belief is ridiculed, but how dare she when she says anything out of place.
The manner, in which she conducts herself mentally and physically is all that’s come to matter. Appearances above all, ain’t that right? So, the fake smile that comes so naturally to her since childhood never ceased to have its uses…Not because she doesn’t genuinely care, but it is second nature to pretend for the sake of social survival. At times, she wonders, what she is surviving for? If it is not to live, what then? Though probably she wouldn’t know how to live, if she had the choice.

When they speak, it is expression inside a safe space, free from judgement. When she speaks, it is the guilt-riddling, overly emotional ravings of just another bitch who cannot take it silently. So, she falls apart deep within for just a moment, before she comes back together. Perhaps she can never be good enough, but she doesn’t care. She will keep trying, even if those she cares for will never care the same way for her. Regardless how many simply think about nothing more than what she can do for them. They’ll always be there for the good times and gone for the bad…That’s how they remind her of what she truly is…She needs those doors bolted for that reason. If they’re not, there’s no telling what she’d do…but no deadbolt can withstand the test of time. Eventually, any lock comes undone, unleashing hell in its wake.

After all, keeping dark fragments of herself divided in cages doesn’t serve to protect her, but them. She learnt early, there are lines never to be crossed. Even when others cross them frequently, just to fulfill their own needs…and she would let them time after time at great cost to her peace of mind…until the end came to justify the means in protection of something greater than she could have been. In one half, it tore her open and left her more broken. In the other, she’s never quite broken enough…never suffered sufficiently enough to cease her pain.
…If she cared to, she could rip those doors off their hinges with a single thought…releasing what may seem like a controlled burst of energy, but is, in truth, an uncontrollable force surging through her that wouldn’t stop. It would never cease…It couldn’t. It’d dig itself deep into the most undepleteable energy sources and unleash hell on all things in her path without compassion, mercy or conscience. The abused would become the abuser in every sense of the term, as they so often do. That would be her, another statistic in a world lacking the capacity to turn the numbers around on a scale, which truly matters.

Searing pain reverberates up through every layer of her being …physical, mental, emotional…is there even a difference? Ultimately, the only way to never lose anything is to have nothing…to be nothing. Perhaps, all locks were made to be broken. Maybe, it was always meant to be like this. In the end, she was destined to come undone. Real love happens but once in life and she has already had her chance. She already experienced the heights of the unconditional beyond consciousness. It is what unmasked her her true reality by undoing everything she once was.
She slowly shuts her eyes, awaiting the inevitable. Silence fills the pathways of her mind. Barely perceptible vibrations bounce off the walls, echoing further than the eye can see. As door after door unlocks, she feels a release of pressure. For a moment, she is almost in a state of acceptance with herself…as always, before her darker impulses take over. The more doors, she opens, the darker the desire. Yet, she has never dared to open them all until tonight. Until now, she still had something to lose…
She no longer plays her most painful memories on repeat inside her head, just to remind her of what should never be forgotten. After the thousandth time, she hardly displays emotion upon recollection, but more importantly, upon confrontation. Behind every door lingers such a memory. Some are shut but unlocked, whereas others are secured with the greatest care.
Still, she wonders, what if she could face worse “doors-open” just to see how far she can bend…out of curiosity for what’s left when everything breaks…and she is unbridled by the illusion of dreams long passed.
The night forever dawns in her heart, and she prays for it to never end…for her to rest in darkness without hope of oblivion…just anticipation of unexpected transformation.

The Dead Truth


Written in 2008

She is resting on the bed,
I am sitting next to it, on the floor…
Carefully trying to pick words,
Which wont do any harm.
I’d bandaged her wrists,
So tight it must’ve hurt.
The cuts were so deep,
Blood poured all over the sheets.
And it was still there…
Smeared and slowly drying,
While she moves her fingers over it,
Trying not to show the pain.
There’s more tears left for her to shed,
I can see them building
Behind her eyes,
Trying to figure out what to do next.
All they do is deny it
How many times she tried to quit…
But fate won’t allow her to.
How much they’ve taken from us,
A reason for living?
Unconditional love?
Protection at no cost?
Does this mean anything to her?
Not anymore.
None of it can save her,
So it became meaningless…
I watch her looking at herself,
It’s more than just her health,
Which declines with every thought.
Her will to live is more than lacking.
Her smile faded long ago,
Blowing all her chances…
I see her breaking every day,
And there’s nothing I can say.
It’s more than control, she’s lost…
The look in her face
Doesn’t change anymore…
To her,
The truth is dead,
Dead like her soul…
Dead like the world,
Executing her, with every day.

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Dust & Smoke


Written in 2009

Sitting on the cold asphalt
With her back against the wall…
And there’s no way out,
But through.

When there’s only dust and ashes
From a life long dead.
She doesn’t know where to go…
All she knows, she can’t go home.

Would she go back,
Before it starts raining?
Before she fades away in the dark?
Before picturing going to him?

Buried in the ruins of memories…
The cold air fills her lungs,
And for just a moment
She can breathe…

The night falls upon her,
Holding her in its icy grip,
Suddenly, there’s no dust…no smoke…
As far as the eye can see.

How We Indoctrinate Ourselves In The Battle For Our Mind


Just as we cannot stop time from flowing, we can’t halt the illusory cycle of the creation and destruction of matter.

What does it mean to be capable…to have our lives under control? When our lives are so disordered that seemingly unpredictable chaos engulfs our every waking moment, what shall we do? When our whole life falls apart while we are able to do nothing but watch, how can we persevere?
In those tiny moments of utter decimation, our identity crumbles and all conditional factors must give way for a new identity to form from the ashes of our former self. In many ways, thi)s is an inevitable part of the process of self-realisation as a cosmic whole. It cannot be halted under any circumstances. Ultimately, there’s nothing we can do to stop that which we can’t change. We may postpone it at great cost for a little while, but it’ll catch up with us sooner or later.

Working a soul-deadening 9/5 job to pay for a penny-pinching life is a waste of our potential as a human beings. When our parents worked menial jobs to provide us with a better future, they did not anticipate how many of us would be forced to do the same for our children…even though they received more extensive education than them… Most are caught in a repetitive cycle of living hand to mouth without an annual vacation abroad due to our global environment. However, we remain stuck as a byproduct of our own tendencies to wish for change, but never exert the will to strive for it.

In truth, we are capable of just about anything, but we choose to believe differently. A part of us may even relish feeling powerless, instead of bearing the responsibility of constant vigilance. To be a perfect example of an enlightened being is hard fucking work. At times, it is be compassionate. On occasion, it requires us to be assertive in our demeanour when we convey experiential knowledge. Yet, more often than not, it means to protect others as well as ourselves from the thrall of the ego…

When there is so much corruption, poverty and death in the world, it becomes second nature to solely think of oneself. As a form of defence mechanism, it is easier to do less than we should, even if we care deeply. The less we invest in others, the less we feel we have to lose… We are at war with ourselves, each other and the world. However, the stale heat of a drawn out battle clouds the judgement of any seasoned warrior, so our alliances are often temporary and our enemies ever-changing…There can be no end to such a fight. The longer any war continues, the more permanently we leave our former self behind the lines.

What is Indoctrination?

The term indoctrination is formed as though it stems from Latin, however, the word “endoctrinare” or similar does not exist in the language. Originally, indoct meant ‘to instruct’ and ‘to imbue with an idea or opinion’. In fact, 99% of teachings condition the mind to operate in a very particular manner. Conversely, the remaining 1% aim to expand the mind to the point, where it can no longer be conditioned.
If we assume that indoctrination implies a person is implanting certain types of beliefs by non-rational or illegitimate methods, we are probably correct…though we prematurely assume a sinisister purpose due to our own suspicious personality. Moreover, in making such an assumption, we intend to criticise the practice through the word ‘illegitimate’, as though we demonized all indoctrination in our lives.

Not all indoctrination is society frowned upon. For example, suppose that it is sometimes right to make children believe in certain myths in order to give them more security and to fulfil the ultimate objective of bringing them up to be free and independent adults. If this were the case, we might persuade a child to believe that ‘Daddy will protect you’, ‘Mummy will always be there’ or ‘Jesus will stop anything nasty from happening’… Suppose even that if we do not give the child any real evidence for these beliefs, just encourage their wishful thinking, it would make them feel temporarily safer…but at what cost? Sooner or later, the blinders will fall from their eyes unprepared for the pain, they’re about to experience.
As adults, we frequently make ourselves believe what we know in our hearts to be wrong. We live in state of voluntary cognitive dissonance, maintaining conflicting beliefs on different levels of consciousness. For some, it is as obvious as drinking, smoking or cursing too much. For others, it’s perceptible only as an inner restlessness that is barely recognisable from the surface. As hard as it may be to believe, we wage a constant war with ourselves, each other and the world in order to attain a state of peace…Nonetheless, the battle never ends. For every thought, which proves outdated, a new one arises. With each belief that perishes, another one takes it place. More importantly, for every problem we solve, more emerge.

Now, suppose we believe something for very misleading reasons. For instance, we ought to commit targeted violence to prompt the specific change for the greater good.

Every society is built on it’s own kind of indoctrination, so we instinctively know from childhood onwards, what views are tolerated inside our community. As a rule, there will always be a percentage that opposes the opinions of the mainstream. Often, instead of embracing a different perspective to build a higher communal unity, we inspire guilt, remorse or worse by judging them.
In the case of serious mistakes, this serves a vital purpose of provoking solemn introspection in the offender, even if our methods aren’t ideally rational. After all, is it indoctrination to aim someone in the direction of rationality in their actions? Child or adult alike?

The important point here, in my personal opinion, is not so much whether we call something ‘indoctrination’ or not, but whether a particular process increases or diminishes our capacity to reason. We believe the indoctrinated to stand on street corners speaking about the gods in rainbows while requesting us to join them with our credit card information. Life is rarely as blatant. There are too many good phenomenological accounts of indoctrination, involving rational or sane thinking in general as opposed to rationalized or compulsive thinking.
One reason why the line between indoctrination and other kinds of compulsive thinking is so hard to demarcate is that there are all sorts of ways in which we can compulsively direct our or another person’s thinking. Still, the inculcation of feeling and of beliefs is conditioning.

What are we to say, for instance, of the sets of verbal descriptions which we use and the built-in implications of value that parts of our language inevitably contain? Imagine how we as a society describe certain behaviour as ‘inappropriate’, ‘uncivilized’, or ‘inhumane’. We discourage sets of behaviour in order to prompt us to act in a socially correct fashion. In the end, it is we, or our environment, who teaches us to see things in a certain way via the descriptions and language we are offered. Is this indoctrination or not? Whatever the linguistic issue of indoctrination, it should be noted that the substantive question has partly to be settled, in any particular case, by empirical psychology, if there could be such a thing. For anything to be objectively observed, it must exist separate from the mind…yet as nothing is devoid of consciousness, the act of observation alters the outcome of anything we attempt to observe empirically. In the words of John Wilson, author of the Introduction to Moral Education, the question is “Does this way of seeing things, this sort of language, increase or diminish our rationality, in the sense of our appreciation of reality?”

Is All Indoctrination Wrong?

From a scientific stance, we have no clear concept of indoctrination as a part of our moral education. We may have enough common sense to rely on our conscience, but we lack a scientific framework that exceeds conservative, privately funded think tanks.

As Zuckerberg said to Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, lying is bad…and to police lying is an enormous undertaking of Orwellian proportions. More importantly, we cannot force the unadulterated truth on people, who have no desire for it. Although even white lies are a mere waste of breath, when a little compassion will do. Still, to live in such a world, we must open our minds to the one we currently inhabit as well as our fellow people.

The word ‘indoctrination’ is thrown around a lot these days. Less than the word Nazi but still…It carries with it pejorative implications, since we shall probably think that diminishing our rationale is for the most part to be deplored.
Furthermore, if we force or condition anyone child, by giving them feelings of guilt, for example, at least we have not tampered with their intelligence. They is still able to say ‘Well, I’ve got to perform Acion X’ and add ‘but I think it’s silly, and when I can, I shan’t do it anymore’. But if we deliberately indoctrinate somebody, knowing what we are doing, we are pretending that certain reasons, which are in fact bad reasons, are good ones which another ought to accept. Even if we indoctrinate without meaning to by following our own conditioning, (which happens on a daily basis), we remain morally responsible for how we influence as a consequence.
We do not merely influence others by our views, but also ourselves. Opinions cannot exist independently from us. We give them the power, they hold over our emotions as well as state of mind. Such as when we are unable to confront dark truths, when we know we are being lied to by those we love. So, we perpetuate the lie in a brilliant display of self-deception, while full well sensing the complete extent underneath.

Unanswered, But Never Spoken: How We Hide In Plain Sight


Some things are not supposed to be shared. Sometimes, the content of our minds is better left unsaid, regardless of the aftermath. Eventually after not saying what we think for long enough, it becomes éphémère. A shadow of it’s own self, alive for only a split second in time, until it faces the inevitable…

When we harbour questions to which we do not have answers, what are we to do? We can ask, but it doubtful, we will be told the truth. We can investigate, however, it’d be unforgivable to be discovered, digging through someone elses life. So, we must carefully weigh our options. That’s life for us as a society now. We can never truly be ourselves with anyone. We can never speak about what we actually think in fear that others may be hurt or disapprove of our daring to ask.
There’s corpses in our closet and they’ll invariable come tumbling out. Why should it be any different for anyone else? We all have secrets. We all hide things from others in fear of rejection.

At times, I think we are conditioned to never question for a reason, but once we start we can’t turn it off. We lose the ability to trust or believe in the good-hearted qualities of people. Once you’re alone long enough…Once you’ve been hurt deeply enough…that part of you just plays dead. Although it feels like a form of physical death with all the pain and writhing, it simply lays dormant afterwards. In a way, it waits to be reawakened, to be reborn in another form of itself. Perhaps in this life, perhaps in the next…But the flame that is reignited is just a means to an end: the realisation of cosmic unity.

When we toss and turn, attempting not to ask those pesky questions, which won’t let go…If we cannot trust enough to ask, what will become of us? How can we live our lives, not looking for worthwhile answers to the questions that plague us? How can we be at peace with that? After all, what we have to lose is something fleeting, should we have the courage to dare question anything…After everything, it is in destroying our hopes, dreams and illusions that we grow into responsible adults, or so it seems…

Who we are goes so much deeper than the eye can see, but we are distracted by instant gratification to even notice the more long-term consequences of our actions. We are who we choose to be right now, despite our darker mistakes in the past. If anyone can find redemption, why not us? We simply need to act accordingly. We need to be deserving of truth in order to attain it, which means to assess how much we wish to sacrifice to obtain it. For what its worth, I’ve broken more times than I can count, but it has never been without purpose. Truth hurts. This is no excuse to detach ourselves from the simple pleasure of human connection. To shut ourselves away from the world in more ways than necessary. We must try, even if we know we might fail. We must persevere in the face of adversity, because we define who we are.

We are who we choose to be in the here and now in those small, defining moments, which shape everything about out personality.

It is up to us as a whole to make our miracle happen.

It is through the small things that other perceive us. More importantly, when we seek redemption, to perceive us differently. However, if we don’t mean it, we won’t be able to maintain a caring or even loving attitude. In fact, suppressing emotion generally causes us to spiral, so when we cannot get the answers we want, we channel our energies differently. Though we know, we can’t find closure this way. We procrastinate, subconsciously waiting for the opportunity…for absolute truth to surface in a relative universe.

How Addicts Can Learn To Find Peace – Part 3


Click Here to Go Back To Part 2

What do you live for? What is the one thing that’ll keep you going, when there is no fucking point in continuing? Whatever the answer, we build our lives around it. In a way, our will to live is anchored in that. However, if we live only in the single-minded dedication to our deepest urge, we can break. We can lose ourselves while still in pursuit. Living, even for the thing we need most, can become a struggle for survival. Before we realise, we have traded our former self for obsession…to be haunted by a singular idea that engulfs everything, simply so we can function. Eventually, something’s gotta give, so I used booze to take the edge off, because if I lost my devotion to the truth, life would have no meaning…until the moment, when the sobering realisation hit me that I need to start building an actual life, which will allow me to overcome the insurmountable instead of perish as a consequence [of having seen, heard, experienced and felt too much of the relative truth and too little of the absolute due to my own ignorance].

What I do here [on this blog] is regurgitation. I work, drink, eat and sleep. My research into consciousness has been my life, since my journey to discover the absolute truth began…but to me, it has only as much value as it benefits others, screw myself. I do not require validation, just results. This is also the reason I stopped taking clients as a psychologist with a handful of special exceptions. I couldn’t handle the lack of want for progress. I’m not here to be liked or stroke anyones ego, I’m here to open minds…to give and receive homework for healing…to fucking get shit done and not just talk about it. Still, the hardest fact, we have to accept as professionals is that we could reach so few and change so little, even if we master our craft completely.

There is meaning in purposelessness

We perceive the universe from a linear standpoint [though it’s far from], which means we see reality as a sequence of cause & effect [due to our state of consciousness]. So, if we perform a certain action, then a finite number of outcomes occur. In doing so, our behaviour is designed to fulfill a very specific purpose. For example, we work to earn money as we need it to support the continuation of our physical existence.
In terms of physics, we exert energy in order to receive it within a universe, whose total sum of available energy never varies. In so being, we are presented with a finite number of options, unless we are able to harness the ability to create your own. The nature of the job may shorten or severely damage our life expectancy, but it is a daily task to fulfill the most basic of needs…and therein lies the problem. The mentality to watch out for reminders of the past and anticipate future events prevents us from fully experiencing the here and now. “If” we do this, “then” these events could happen is what we think keeps us alive…our ability to anticipate and react. If it were only so, then life would be far more straightforward. Truth be told, if time is simultaneous, then everything is happening right now. Who we were, who we are and the myriad of possible versions of ourselves, we could be are ever-present.

This three part series started with a biblical quote from Matthew: “Do not presume I’ve come to the Earth to bring peace. I’ve come but to bring a sword.” Though we crave peace, we shall not receive it until we learn to resolve each non-externalised conflict and proceed without surrender. That is what peace in the material world necessitates. A sword is merely one tool to fight one form of battle. There are as many others as there are possibilities in the multiverse. But, metaphorically, to find peace, we must bring a sword. We must be vigilant and prepared for anything. In essence, peace is spontaneous. [In the etymological interpretation of the term ‘spontaneity’, to be spontaneous is to be unaffected by external or internal events.] We may only be at peace, when what occurs within and without no longer has an impact on us…when we have outgrown the world, our conditional identity and attain a state of oneness with the cosmos. So if we can abstain from our deadliest vices and trust in a higher power, [we can work to directly experience,] perhaps then we can take control of our own causality. Until that point, however, we remain bound by shackles of our own making. How free we feel comes at the cost of something that can be taken or given at will, as does our sense of peace. Neither applies. Neither can be seized, because the sole power others have over us is the power, we allow them to exert. Neither can be recieved, just realised and cultivated, as they are preconceptual, prefated ideas prior to thought, word or language.

How Addicts Can Learn To Find Peace – Part 2


Click Here To Go Back To Part 1

What happens when our body and mind no longer act as one with our spirit? When the essence of our being begs us to stop, but everything screams for release? We are presented with a choice. We have the power to choose bearing the consequences of our actions…or we can give in to the worst of ourselves. That part, which enslaves itself willingly to escape the burden of freedom.

Nobody can be free in every aspect of their lives. We can’t exist in an absolute state as we are. However, if we can bide our time, we gradually free ourselves from the self-imposed constructs that cause us suffering. One by one. It would take lifetimes, but we could do it. Still, the more issues, we deal with, the more keep cropping up. We think we are solving the problem but we are merely managing the symptoms of the root cause. Addiction is just another symptom of a larger issue. We are all dependent on something. Whether we need nicotine pumping through our veins or can’t function without coffee in the morning doesn’t matter. It’s all the same and here’s why:

We live in an interdependent universe. That implies we can never be entirely self-sufficient and thus can never truly be free from each other, the world or ourselves. So how do we cope? Denial? Brandy? Any form of distraction after the other will do…Yet, what we need is total anarchy. A state, in which we seize the right to govern ourselves. Until then, we are predestined to fight the urge until we no longer can and go down swinging…Either way, we won’t come out of this fight the same as we entered.

When we use, even if we have taken too much, we dont stop, because it has not hit us deep enough instantly. We cannot feel it. We lack the patience to wait…or perhaps we prefer oblivion. Although we need to be kind to ourselves to be free from whatever shit that plagues us, it doesn’t help. The lines of kindness becomes blurred when we provide help for others. We mistake temporary relief for permanent salvation. Our inner sweetheart doesn’t fix the mess, we have made, but the agressive assertiveness of a newborn bitch might… Nonetheless, there’s a darkness in giving into our impulses that provides the illusion of freedom…of the transient peace that we are so often denied. Sometimes, I wondered how I ever had the strength to resist…and then I think of the one thing that changed my life for the better and I find the courage to continue abstaining. Then, there’s that point in recovery, where we have to face the relative truth of our lives, even if it kills us…where I’m reminded of what I am…what I’ll always be…and that’s when I fail. I’m not ashamed to admit to it. It’s a learning curb, I havent been able to grasp just yet. After some inner disagreements, I always give in to it. All that seems to matter is he feeling of when it hits you and quiets everything inside, you are so desperate keep down, because you can’t change or accept it. Unconsciously, I would pay good money to bet, we are aiming for utter self-destruction. BUT, this is no permanent solution. Energy is neither created nor destroyed. Nothing truly dies…So, we are trapped forevermore, until we free ourselves.

When we work the kinda job or live the kind of life, which doesn’t allow for a normal lifestyle, what do functioning addicts do? If all we manage as a meal is a bite or two before we rush off to rectify the next emergency, it can bring us a level of peace. The peace that comes from letting go temporarily. No matter how much we love what we do. When our work is our life, if nothing can give us the same types of satisfaction, there are more restorative kinds… We cannot expect find absolute peace through relative means. What we can anticipate, however, is the resurgence of buried needs until they’re fulfilled, unless we deal with them or overcome them. The only mechanism to bypass this involves unconventional options.

It should be noted, women experience the process differently compared to men. The primary purose of more masculine qualities is short-term defence for long-term protection, whereas a womans is short- and long-term preservation. The methods used are applied very differently and in dissimilar circumstances [i.e. there are set biological genders but any person can channel more or less masculine/feminine energy and thus fall into either category due to to epigenetic predispositions].

In truth, we are far more than our preconceptions, but they make who we think we are. When at the core, all it takes is the real us. Even if we think our own efforts aren’t enough. Sometimes ‘enough’ is what we can bring ourselves to do. After the life I have led, I didn’t believe there was anything more significant to me than shielding myself the world, the system, an inner darkness…in the pursuit of something greater…Perhaps, there isn’t anything but the depraved purity of experience. Perhaps, there is. Only time will tell, but for now, is definitely nothing more important than the fight for stability through clarity.

Click Here For Part 3

How Can Addicts Learn To Find Peace – Part 1


What is peace? We often mistake the feeling of contentment with peace, but few of us will truly know what peace is until they are swept off their feet by it.

That which brings us momentary peace in our daily lives is a misleading form of sense gratification. It is designed to give the illusion of lasting happiness, based on being satisfied with the situation is right now. However, we are not really, we are? After that tiny instant has passed, we strap ourselves back into an emotional rollercoaster of our own making. Truth be told, we choose to suffer through the choices, we have made and continue to make. To detach from this is easier said than done. We cannot simply switch our emotions off. The way we think persists, even if we attempt to force ourselves not to. In fact, the more pressure, we apply on ourselves, the less likely we are to change. We can’t force anyone to do anything that they do not want or are not ready for yet…Including ourselves…We can, however, encourage growing out of behaviour that no longer supports our continued development.

What I’ve learnt is that people prefer my fictional works over the factual content. A few days ago, I sold my first poem before hitting rock-bottom after a very painful relapse. With the amount of alcohol, I consumed, any amateur would have given themselves a hospital level case of alcohol poisoning.
Once again, the same life lesson emerged from the experience:

“Control your mind,
or others will do it for you.”

What triggered the urge to drink initially was something extremely positive, then I was offered to write some poetry, so I set off on my merry way to do just that in a clean and sober state…But things rarely turn out how we expect. Sometimes, we look back and end up asking ourselves, did that just fucking happen? The more relevant question is, why did it happen? Why did we begin to indulge in excess in the first place? If we’ve stopped before, what helped us do so? And lastly, what keeps setting off our need for that substance?
In general, the answers to these questions are designed to form a bigger picture of our triggers. After such deep soul-searching, the process of healing can begin, during which we are encouraged to avoid exposing ourselves to the risks of relapse. This is the reason why rehabilitation treatment comes in three forms:

  1. Open: For medium risk recovery. The person is allowed free time, to roam the premises without supervision after the initial withdrawal symptoms pose no further medical risks. [After the DT stage, for example]
  2. Closed: For high risk recovery. Typically locked facilities that allow for very little privacy. People are usually referred to such places due to mental health problems, criminal conduct or a paid for intervention. The goal is to reach the stage of recovery, in which an open unit can assist them in long term recovery.
  3. Outpatient: My personal favourite for the value that is has when we consider the breakdown of family, community and even society. The person faces their problems from comfort of their own home with the help of family, friends and medical professionals.

Have you seen many serious addicts without a support system stay clean for long without a realistic mission to dedicate their lives to? I haven’t.
Goals are no longer enough at a certain depth of desperation. We drink…We swallow pills…We shoot up…Because otherwise we’d do something, we may regret. When I used to need days to pass quickly in anticipation for something, I would complete all necessary tasks…and just get pissed so hard I wouldn’t remember, I wouldn’t feel the weight of time passing. In fact, I used to bottle things up so deep that they would come out in the most vile manner, even if more pressing matters were at hand. I learnt that the hard way, when I first began blacking out. Luckily, I have never managed to harm myself in the process, others are not so lucky. We can harbour feelings of hurt, buried in layers, which over time grow so intense, we need to black out. We cant consciously express them, so fragments of space-time go missing, in which our inner hellcat takes the wheel…Most of my type of user cant allow themselves to lose control, so we maintain our emotional presence through other means in the absence of another outlet. Hell, we can’t even try to off ourselves sober, because we are too attached to everything around us, but we often don’t feel connected in the slightest. Some of us have numbed themselves to the point of blocking the biochemical processes responsible until the very worst stages of recovery. Others, like me, who lack certain psycho-emotional building blocks, coped without until an event or seveal so big that we can’t cope any longer. When we reached out, and received no help, regret still surfaces for asking after every relapse. In truth, the more we reach out for human connection and are frequently/infrequently rejected, the more we lose faith in a permanent state of recovery….in life as a functioning member of whatever system, we use make sense of communal life in the universe. Mind you, we lose “faith”, not belief. We lose the ability to trust in ourselves, as a result of what we perceive as consistent failure. It’s a tragic tale that applies to countless just like me. We are campaigned for en masse, but when we are encountered on the street, we inspire pity at best and disgust at worst. We are fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, sons and daughters…but we often have no one to turn to. Oh sure, there is rehab, but I’d rather face a hard time with familiar people whose care can sustain a lasting recovery than with a kind stranger, who’ll probably burn out sooner or later just like I did. The sytem can’t work, if the values that created it are fucking disappearing by the day!
For what it’s worth, what we suffer from is innately idiopathic. It’s nameless, faceless and without empirically-verifiable origin. It is a byproduct of the human condition, as so many others.

The problem becomes when we are the primary trigger for our excessive use. The root cause tends to lead back to deeply held beliefs, embedded to support our physical, psychological as well as emotional survival. We cannot persevere, if we can’t function, so we find ways to cope. As a temporary measure, this is socially acceptable. For instance, after a rough break-up. Yet, as a long-term option, it is rather frowned upon. So, where is the cut off point between short and long term usage? Right where the spur of the moment used to cope becomes habit…But just before it is a lifestyle choice.

It should be noted, the way our cortices maintain themselves is by forming new connections all the time. For example, when we continue indulge, and then persevere through recovery alone, we form different neuronal connections by cultivating different skills from those with support. For serious addicts with trust issues, their suspicious nature spells trouble. God, we try to trust, but the high cuts the risk. When we do without, its serious shit…

Please continue to Part 2

Darker Than Black


The room is shrowded in a cloud of smoke. She sits and wonders. Another drag, another sip, another fucking day in a world shot to hell. There’s no escape, not really. There are no safe spaces to lay our heads at night, not without the risk of worse fates than death. Bury your head in the sand to pretend, but she can’t. There is no freedom than does not come at the cost of eternal vigilance..there is just ‘that’ in endless succession.

We fall to rise, we rise to fall. Time after time…without the slightest bit of consistency or balance. Though, not for lack of unfulfilled promises made to those who dare to dream…not without the invocation of hope so cruel, she wouldn’t wish it on her worst enemies. In the end, there is nothing left for her but this. Deep down, she’d known, it would always come to this. A part of her wonders how it could have taken so long for the moment to arrive…

She feels the transitive power of every passing second, as the walls begin to close in, but she doesn’t feel confined by them. They may spin ever so fast, her mind is dazzled. They may collapse right on top of her. As if, she cared about anything other than the end-result, even if costs her every inch that’s left of her being…As though, she couldn’t be more trapped in its anticipation than she already does.

The cold glass of the bottle meets her skin but briefly. She can barely feel it amongst the pain. Her thoughts could race, if she could see anything other than the inevitable conclusion of her actions. She knows the more she allows it to consume her, the more she loses…the more potential she wastes…the more of herself she squanders. Yet, for her, the question is only, why not? If this is all she can ever be, why pretend? If this is all she’ll ever have, why bother? If it is truly unavoidable, why the fuck not simply give in?

Tired of dealing with the problems of others, she failed to prevent for herself, as she simply wasn’t fast enough. Disheartened by initiating the positive change, she’s never granted no matter how hard she tries… She does not need this life, nor does she deserve its rewards. Failing always, it is lesson after lesson just to see how far she can break. She used to scramble for the pieces of herself, she lost along the way…Now she leaves them behind as a reminder of how she will never be whole, unless she would fucking care enough to redeem herself.

Another life, another try? Two fingers of whiskey linger on the side. Without a craving, she watches the ice melt….turning up the music so loud, she cannot hear her own thoughts nor would she wish to. Everything she feels drifts away, until not even the capacity to feel remains. Biding her time, until there is no choice anymore…until they come to take all that is left of her. If they had the mental ability to lay a hold on what defines her, she’d give herself over willingly, but they are too weak of heart, mind and spirit.

Half the time, she’s about to crack further, but doesn’t mind. She secretly likes seeing all the hidden pieces of herself sprawled out over the place. The other half, they bring her back to life, merely by feeding her misconceptions and watch her stumble for the truth…Yet, when they approach her, no matter how many times, she offers the kind smile, helpful word or a chance, she never got. Each time, she advises them not to shut doors, they may not be able to open again. Each time, she pleads with them that things will invariably get better…and every damn time, she dies a little inside. For them, it probably might be true, just not for her…Perhaps, she wouldn’t want it any other way.
Knowing deep down what we are, just drives our collective urge for extinction…for utter self-destruction. It cant be stopped or postponed, and neither can she.

As though, the last of anything could satiate our desire for more. After death, we long for the same all the more. Knowing her, she gave up leaping in expectation long ago. Even now, she’ll never stop trying to fly instead of fall… To never give in, when there is still something worth fighting for.

How Positive Change Can Trigger Relapse


What makes your knees weak? What causes your stomach to tighten? What touches you deep within? What makes you feel so safe that you crawl inside yourself in fear of the feeling?

It is rational to think that painful or even traumatic events can lead us to resort to destructive coping strategies. However, the opposite also applies to recovering addicts, who are doing exceptionally well. When our life as a sober person improves consistently, we can humbly appreciate our accomplishment, but never truly rest…Until that one event takes place, which tilts the balance of ultimate contentment. We let someone or something in so deep at that point of healing, we feel whole again. Relapse at this stage is a lose-lose situation. If they back off, then the addict is most likely suffer worse or even give up on recovery. If they come clean, then the wrong person is being punished for doing the right thing. They do not deserve that, if the addict can get clean immediately after the slip-up. However, in deal circumstances, communication and understanding are vital. If the slip-up turns into a secret binge, it must end there…before DT [delerium tremens] or other withdrawal symptoms become an issue again.

At one month clean, I had the best fucking weekend of my life…I was touched so intensely by another person that the thought of drowning the feeling was “safer” compared to the alternative of allowing myself to truly let someone in. In other words, positive change triggers relapse, because we crawl inside ourselves to avoid the pain, we are anticipating. Pain, which might or might not happen.

In a dualistic universe, pleasure always proceeds pain. The up and downs of living become normal, so we cope with them instead of aiming to overcome their cyclical influence. Put differently, we become used to the extreme ends of feeling. This is dangerous for any regular person, but with an addict, it can be deadly. The effect a particular substance can have on the brain differ from drug to drug. However, they typically all interfere with the normal functioning of the hypothalamic pituitary axis [HPA]. That means the recovery process will invoke emotions designed to be powerfully cathartic. Ideally, meant to resolve the underlying issue that led to the self-destructive behaviour. If it’s the surfacing pain of a traumatic event or several, we need to process it. Whatever the issue, we must heal, overcome and adapt. Nothing else will permanently make our way of coping go away.

For what it is worth, I do not believe I physiological addiction as such. All forms of addictive behaviour originate in the mind. In my and other cases, they are a result of lacking the necessary self-discipline to maintain a normal lifestyle. Like many functioning users, we give in to cope but destroy ourselves by doing so. I’ve never been to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, not for lack of trying. I’ve never had help getting clean, not for lack of asking. Few know, while even fewer pretend to care, but none would go very far to clean me up themselves. Emptying a bucket into the toilet, when I could barely stand was about the maximum effort. These would be the moments, when my body was rejecting that which it’d become so accustomed to. At any other point, I would self-medicate at infrequent intervals in order to avoid ‘bothering’ anyone with what should be a priority for the commonly decent. In fact, I would regularly support the habits of others, just for a place to DT privately…in proximity of sober-enough people to call an ambulance, if an actual emergency arose… It became normal to care as little about myself as others did, but this wasn’t a sudden occurrence. It was a fucking gradual process that took place over decades. With every setback, it became more important to function effectively. With every soul-deadening compromise, there was never any time to pause afterward. Then, trapped in an environment, I couldn’t escape, I was offered temporary salvation. After working with two fucked discs for a couple of years in constant agony, I had begged my family to help, but they refused to take me in…I had nobody to turn to and nowhere to go, but from that first real stupor, I no longer cared. As though, the worsening state of affairs could not affect me anymore. When the situation eventually changed, my new identity had invaded every aspect of my being. By the time, I was able to seek medical treatment and get clean, I had become someone, I didn’t wish to recognise. No guilt. No shame. No self-loathing. Just nothing at all. I was free from everything but enslaved.

If I have learnt anything,

It is that everything comes at a price.

Before a relapse, we must always ask ourselves is it worth the risk? In truth, perhaps, it can be. Raised in a society, in which we calculate the value of a person by their latest achievement, what do we expect? We begin to treat our lives as disposable instead of a never-ending wonder to be cherished. Sure, we function, but at the cost of drowning our potential. What we are attempting to get away from is just as present, when we are using, as when we are not. The only difference is our level of awareness. If we are willing to care for ourselves to the extent that we do for what functioning brings us…then, we must learn to say “No”, when doing something that will trigger a relapse, but never use it as an excuse not to step up to the task at hand. We must never let our addictive tendencies become a means to close ourselves off from people or experiences, which may transform the way, we perceive the world.

How Far Would You Go Not To Break?


Who are you undereath? What makes you tick? More importantly, what would it take for you to break?

We each have our particular weaknesses to be exploited by those for whom it is a strength. In other words, life is getting pissed on from a great height repeatedly, trying not to get wet.
As though, it actually mattered how much we suffer in the open or behind closed doors, we pretend to care for others. Yet, the majorty of us have more significant tasks to devote their attention to. For instance, satisfaction at any cost.
People will say or do whatever is necessary to get what they want. To them, there is little difference between doing the right thing and ensuring their self-interests are met above everyone elses. Truth be told, I sometimes wonder, if there still is anyone who doesn’t, except for me? The world turns, people are not committing suicide en masse, so there must be plenty, right? Wrong! They are too rare…

Compassion is few and far between in this world, but we should never deny its healing potential. Its effects on the mind have the power to attribute less meaning to memories with a high impact on our presence of mind. In a way, compassion serves as a form of collective self-protection. Conversely, when we are denied it for a prolonged period of time, the want for protection is often overridden by the desire for self-destruction.

“Safety is an illusion”

On the surface, we are conditioned never to look too deep. It is the safest way to avoid painful realisations or the horrible truths about the world or ourselves. As a survival and coping mechanism, this serves to prolong life while making it more difficult for us to break our preconceptions. The deeper, we stare into ourselves, the more the question becomes “how long can we stand the pain?” In general, it depends on how resilient and resistant, we are…but our time is limited. Nobody can cope forever. Eventually, we are forced to ask ourselves, if we can continue until irreperably breaking (i.e. breaking while others watch and do nothing) or if we wish to take back control.
At the very precipes of self-destruction, we have already been destroyed in that we have already made the decision to go forward. However, such a choice is only as inevitable as our committment to do what needs to be done for the right reasons. If we believe, we are worthy of mercy, we must be the first to be benevolent to ourselves. If we are convinced, we are deserving of another chance, we must be the first to give it…Lastly, if we are down and out, then we should not hesistate to put ourselves out of our mysery by any non-violent means available to us.

When picking up the broken pieces of ourselves on the floor, we should truly contemplate how many other times, the exact same thing has happened in order to draw a conclusion. If it has happened too often, the underlying cause should be removed from the equation to guarantee success. However, if the underlying problem is a person, we cant detach from, then the process of resolution becomes a tad more ethically tainted…if we wish to persist regardless of the consequences.

In my case, when the disasterous factor is always you, then it is best to cut as many ties as possible. After all, alone is what people like us do best, simply because we have to…simply because it will never change. Some of us make it through to the bitter end, while others take the preferable options of cutting their suffering short. In all fairness, they might definitely be the lucky ones. Hell, even in the worlds worst dump with the most severe case of spiritual amensia, they are more fortunate than the rest. They need no longer be trapped in world, in which their heart is treated as though it does not exist at all. In any eventuality, who would even notice ther absence? Others impose their perception upon them and they are supposed to agree without question or hesitation. They will simply find someone else to fulfill the same role time after time, no matter the damage, they inflict. Worst thing is, more often than not, the next person will actually play along. They do this for a very simple reason: They know no different.

In our world,
The more you care,
The more vulternable you become.

On a personal note, the concept behind relationships has never been difficult for me to grasp. It is a simple matter of loyalty, respect and empathy in order to build a lasting raport. Yet, in practice, the truly real people, we meet in life are very few. They are the ones, we can turn to, when we are in depserate need of a shoulder to cry on and they’ll always be there. They are the ones, who will believe in us, when no one else can. They are the ones, who’ll take us in, when we have nowhere to go.
As may be easily ascertained, such generosity no longer exists for a small percentage of the mainstream population. After a while, it becomes simpler to just detach from the idea instead to be continuously taunted by it.
People like me are those, who sit on an empty bench by themselves and observe people passing by. We watch their interactions and keep wondering, “Is that even a possibility for me?”. Although we have learnt through many years of experience that it isnt, the thought keeps popping up. Hope refuses to perish. The notion, we may belong, cannot be banished from the mind indefinitely. As a deeply embedded part of our survival instinct, it requires extreme measures to be rid of such a notion permanently. By the time, we reach mid-adulthood, unfulilled desires such as that tend to surface far more intensely. They may create a level of inner upheaval but will disappear soon enough, before reappearing during the mid-life crisis.
In any scenario, belonging is a state of mind. To feel as though we belong can either be delusional or factual, but the feeling itself cannot be forced. For instance, if someone doesn’t feel that they belong, they cannot be made to feel more comfortable by other people overcompensating for past behaviour. It simply creates paranoia and angst.

In truth, as a species, we are beginning to lack the very qualities that define lasting relationships of any kind, from friendship to marriage. The loyal are used for their dedication. Respect is perceived as a weakness. Empathy requires more than a few seconds of thinking about another person without thinking “Me First”.

To remove yourself from the equation of life is just this easy. It is an untangling of our attachments and aversions. It is a process through which we let go completely. We do not cease to feel the relevant emotions associated with strong affinity or dislike toward something/someone, we merely cease to react to them externally as well as internally. In essence, the key is to display compassion, but never get psychologically involved or emotionally entangled.
It can be achieved without much effort, if one has very little ties to the social foundations of our modern civilisation. Off-Grid living would be ideal, of course, but few manage work and attain such a goal without solemn determination to succeed at every cost.

The War Over Women’s Souls


The war to win over our thoughts, minds, bodies and even our souls has been ongoing for countless decades…and it won’t end anytime soon. However, the reactions to what we say, what we post and what we believe are far more revealing than our stance towards any given issue. Religion is not excluded from this. Although religion is a constant source of conflict, it is not religion that is the issue. It is our attitude towards it. Religion is freedom, which means that we must all find our own path to enlightenment and live with the moral consequences of our choices.
However, there far are more important issues at hand than a global crisis of faith… As our nations are arming up for war, unequal resource distribution is still running rampant. The little resources that we have are provided to economic migrants, while our own citizens are subject to poverty, starvation, sexual exploitation and exposure to the elements.

Any decent counsellor, therapist or doctor will confirm that silence is deadly, especially where hate crimes are concerned. Many homosexuals, transgenders, feminists and African-Americans can attest to the fact that they were punished violently for their life choices. Back then, most looked the other way. Now, these abhorrent hate-crimes have returned to our streets. Ironically, they highlight exactly what happens when a non-believer enters a Muslim country. The punishments sanctioned by law favours the dominant religion, as ours did for countless centuries. We are not accepting their religious laws, as our own, they are forcing them onto us, which is a crime against religious freedom.

No matter how many religious and/or spiritual practitioners adhere to peace, as long as they remain silent, the height of their numbers (and therefore influence) is irrelevant. They are complicit in crimes against humanity, dare I say, war-crimes (genocide) at the highest levels. If they were truly peaceful practitioners of Islam, as they claim, they would die beside us. They would throw themselves in front of extremists, as any good Christian, Buddhist or Hindu should, defending against an impending terror attack. In other words, the strong protect the weak, otherwise what is the use of their strength? They obviously are not strong enough to maintain their own integrity, if their superiority-complex prevents them from doing the right thing.

We don’t need money, power or influence to stand up for our families, our communities and our way of life. All we need is a little courage with a plan of action. The instant that we allow ourselves to be trapped in this web of political correctness, we are sacrificing the truth for the sake of getting along with an oppressive ideology, reinforced by law enforcement officials that once had our complete trust.

For what it’s worth, countless women are being raped daily all over Europe, which means that over half will experience at least one or two more sexual assaults throughout their lifetimes, if not slavery. Their fathers, brothers and husbands may have been offended a few hundred years ago, nowadays many of my clients report that the men in their lives are almost immune to this method of warfare. Their egos are not as easily damaged by such a violent crime, but they are easily led to expect women to ‘get over it’ in a period of 3-6 months, otherwise they often meet their needs elsewhere…and the common populous wonders why humanity is facing several extinction level events.

What May The Future Hold

In this world, anything is possible. Anyone can get away with anything at the right time under the right circumstances… There is only one slight problem with that. Diversity is paving the way to the enslavement of woman. We are expected to show respect and restrain ourselves toward an entirely different culture, when it is almost impossible to be repaid in kind at the best of times (by any culture). So, with every passing day, the nail of political correctness is hammered into the coffin of our Western civilisation….

Contrary to popular belief, Imams across the globe take orders from the same people that control our leaders from behind the scenes. Yet, neither one of us pays this the attention it deserves. Complaining, rape and retaliation are easier methods than to confront that everything we have been told is a lie. Lies that can inadvertently lead us to the truth about all things, whether you believe it or not.

…Truth be told, if Islam continues on its path of world domination, they will drive humanity into extinction. Every race (i.e. white, black, Asian, Arab, Feline, K9 etc.) will experience a significant reduction in numbers. This concerns humans, animals and plants alike, until there’ll be nothing left.

…Truth be told, if mankind continues on its path of planetary exploitation, whatever is above ground will be driven into extinction. Followed by one mass animal extinction after the other, the environment will have irreversibly changed. The plants and animals that survive will be as toxic to us as the atmosphere, the seas and the oceans, until the planet is no longer habitable by our standards.

…Truth be told, if Islam and the Sixth Mass extinction continue on their path unhindered. Chances are worlds will collide with high casualty rates. It is expected that less than a hundred million (if that) would survive above ground.

Liberty Died With Thunderous Applause

Many of the people that I’m in contact with have woken up to the police at their door, others had their articles pulled… The West is evidently no longer a safe place to express our opinion, unless we are prepared to possibly meet a bloody end by doing so. The choice is ours, but we can be guaranteed that our government or law enforcement will continue to support peadophilia, sexual and religious violence. The worst thing is that with every victim that is silenced, we are creating members of society that will not blink an eye, if violent crimes are committed. No one cared when it happened to them, so why should they care, if it happens to anybody else? However, what they’re actually dealing with is feelings of shame, guilt and emotional pain that are fuelling their own self-loathing, which is then projected onto others that have experienced the same. For most unsupported victims, that is normal. Being abandoned has become normal. For an even smaller amount, giving up on life is easier than living with the daily reminders of the incident.

For the most part, sexually abused women loose the ability to trust, when their support networks vanish into thin air. Dependent on the circumstances, in which the assault took place, many women become numb on the inside. They seek to move on, but they can’t feel anything anymore…and no one cares. There is no magic pill or quick solution, only self-realisation can lead to the cessation of suffering for them now.

As the globe keeps turning, their trauma is forgotten by those around them for its disenfranchised nature. I’ve shed too many tears over the travesty of this, but sadly wet eyes don’t change a thing. Only hard work with persistence has the potential to change how much we suffer. Even then, months after an attack, people simply disconnect, because ‘you’re still on about the same thing’. They lack the understanding that sexual violence leaves deep scars that affect personality development, self-image and capacity for empathy. Later on in life, it even has an impact on child-rearing. In reality, women that condone such events won’t lift a hand when it happens to their offsprings, as the social system in Great Britain and Europe taught me repeatedly. Many relatives would rather shift blame or stay away than to assist in the healing process. However, this is only partly their responsibility. Our society does not teach our offsprings how to effectively cope with trauma, which leaves the majority of us vulnerable to a myriad ways of suffering.

What To Do

Every man, woman and child in every country is affected by the current religious struggle for power. Yet, religious leaders are only too aware that the status of their religion is dependent upon the numbers as well as the dedication of their followers. Whatever opposes them can easily be overcome by increasing the former. Here’s what’s inevitably going to happen:

– Islam will aim to establish itself as the majority in France, Germany, Austria, Sweden, Finland, the Netherlands and the United Kingdom.

– Any country, in which they successfully establish themselves will serve as their primary base of invasion for neighbouring countries, such as Switzerland, Liechtenstein, Denmark, Hungary and the entire Mediterranean.

– Islam is currently fully surrounding Europe by attempting to seize the whole of Africa.

– By October 2016, the events in Europe will escalate concordant to pre-arranged election dates. The probability that conflicts will escalate in several countries simultaneously is higher than another wave of attacks across European nations.

– Many believe there’ll be a war by December 2016…That Christmas will be celebrated on the run or in hiding. The decorations, if there will be any, will incite fear of attack and religious hatred. However, there is also a great deal of hope that they won’t choose the coldest months of the years to kickstart a war.

The only way to stop a malignant narcissist with sadistic tendencies is to deprive them of that which they desire. Never to yield. Never to surrender…and never to relinquish your personal power. Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their actions, unless forced into the position. They will resort to all kinds of manipulation, such as shifting blame, shaming and complete denial. Their ego will not allow them to realise their mistakes or feel the horror behind what they’ve done, otherwise who they are would be shattered.

Sharia law has become the enablers code for peadophilies and sexual offenders across the world. It allows men to shame women and humiliate them at every step, even beat them publicly whenever they deem just. This elicits submission to prevent further punishment, as a rather dark by-product of the instinct for self-preservation. In addition, women that speak against Islam are being labelled as Islamophobic, as if our right to free speech is disregarded, when it comes down to an oppressive religious regime that does not recognise women as human.

A narcissist does not see a difference between you and them. For them, you are an extension of them. You serve their needs and they don’t have to serve yours, because their needs are more important. Their mere presence should be enough to entice you into bending over backwards. A malignant narcissist is not so different, but they are far more likely to harm and even destroy the object of their affections. If they cannot have it, no one will. On mass, this is a recipe for disaster, hence the female population in the Middle-East reaches a desperate low-point every few decades, and they are forced to ‘branch out’. When coupled with sadistic tendencies, female genocide becomes routine, simply to maintain control… Islam does not seek support from the West, they seek its submission to their religion. For women and children, that means we will be vulnerable every day until something changes or we will be forced to live by their views. Sadists seek to turn those around them into sadomasochists… In sexual relationships, this entails a form of continuous torment that the mind cannot protect against, if unprepared. Women are often not taught how to protect against pregnancy or induce a miscarriage without self-harming. So, they become breeding-machines in captivity that gradually dwindle into suicidal ideation. (Fasting or a hunger-strike often induces a miscarriage, which should be mentioned is prohibited in Islam during pregnancy, but only if maintained with great self-control.)

For a narcissist, pregnancy is a symbol of ownership. It reinforces their control over the mind, body and spirit of their victim. Worse, in Islam, they often prey on the sentimentality of women by counting on the fact that they will develop an emotional attachment to become slaves to their male offsprings. Should the head of the house pass away, ownership falls to the oldest, closest male of the family, leaving their women no chance of escape from tyranny.

Tips & Tricks

– Don’t confront a narcissist. Wait until they confront you. Then resist and stand your ground, while exerting an air of confidence.

– When a religious narcissist has their eyes set on attaining a specific goal, they will twist scripture to suit their needs. The easiest tactic against this is to reference their scriptures by the letter and be prepared to prove it. (More often than not, things will get violent long before you have the chance to pull out a book)

– When they profess love and peace but never show it, confront them with verifiable, undeniable facts of religious abuse and/or genocide.

– They’ll talk, but hardly listen, which makes them prone to speak over and interrupt people that do not agree with their viewpoint. If they cut you off every time that you open your mouth, speak in keywords. (Pick the most hard-hitting, relevant word in your response and guaranteed that it’ll elicit a reaction immediately)