…If Only…

If only I could express,
How much you mean to me…

If only you could be here with me,
Each time I need you…

If only we could be together,
Every now and then…

If only I could curl up into your arms,
Perhaps the night wouldn’t be so dark…

If only you could fill the empty void,
I feel inside of me…

If only our eyes could meet,
And I could feel again…

If only for a moment…

Dare To Dream, For You Are Magic

Have you ever looked into someones eyes, wanting to believe them but just knew how badly it would end and tried anyway? Have you ever steered your chosen destiny off course, just because it felt right? Have you ever yearned for the presence of another person so intensely, you’ve felt disconnected from the world and all those within?

While you pursue your dreams,
Be mindful of the passage of time.
Persist against the odds.
Live to think freely…

When you wake up in the morning, what’s the first thought that echoes through the corridors of your mind? What’s your last thought, before drift sweetly into the endless night? When we think of specific people, objects or experiences, they merely represent what our heart longs for at its core. However, getting what we want can never still its desire completely. To live is to want the next best thing, or so it might seem…

In truth, there is a fickleness in our affection or loyalty toward what we desire. At each moment, what we want can change…and thereby our dreams.
Nevertheless, there are constant yearnings that are well hidden underneath our seemingly capricious nature. Each day, these dreams surface quietly and often unnoticed…Still, they are there for our entire lives.
If dreams perish slowly until that one fateful day, on which they inevitably die a violent death, they merely sink to the bottom of the conscious mind…They remain ever-biding their time for some form of ambiguous hope. In its absence, they tend to linger in a state, where they continue to draw energy from the body as well as the mind [to exist]. Should they surface prematurely, when they can be fulfilled in a way that will integrate them into the active aspects of the mind, then unprocessed wounds may heal and form barely noticable scars. Conversely, should they rise before their time, then the dream may die once more. At times, this can be less excruciating, but more often than not, the pain increases. Old wounds reopen as new ones are inflicted on top of them. Afterwards it is fairly natural for the dream to sink down even lower. Dependent on the intensity of the trauma, it can be fully/partially suppressed or it might just hover on the border between the conscious and the unconscious…

Important:

Denial differs from suppression in one significant aspect. Pretending a dream was never conceived or a series of events never took place isn’t the same as inhibiting memories of it.

So, when you ask yourself, what is that one secret flight of fancy, which will never relinquish its hold over me…How would you answer?
Let your mind grow silent and calm. Contemplate if there was nothing, what would I long to do most of all? After various ideas, perhaps the truth will reveal itself.

It should be noted that it takes years to unbury and contemplate each one. What every dream represents is a door to self-fulfilment in the form of self-realisation. Karma yoga, cosmic unity through action and therein resultant experiences. Now, the key is to uncover our innermost self in order to pursue a dream worth fighting for. Regardless of the struggle, we face along the way, we must pick something that we are able to persevere with. No dream is worth dying for unless it changes at least one other persons live for the better permanently…

How Far Would You Go Not To Break?

Who are you undereath? What makes you tick? More importantly, what would it take for you to break?

We each have our particular weaknesses to be exploited by those for whom it is a strength. In other words, life is getting pissed on from a great height repeatedly, trying not to get wet.
As though, it actually mattered how much we suffer in the open or behind closed doors, we pretend to care for others. Yet, the majorty of us have more significant tasks to devote their attention to. For instance, satisfaction at any cost.
People will say or do whatever is necessary to get what they want. To them, there is little difference between doing the right thing and ensuring their self-interests are met above everyone elses. Truth be told, I sometimes wonder, if there still is anyone who doesn’t, except for me? The world turns, people are not committing suicide en masse, so there must be plenty, right? Wrong! They are too rare…

Compassion is few and far between in this world, but we should never deny its healing potential. Its effects on the mind have the power to attribute less meaning to memories with a high impact on our presence of mind. In a way, compassion serves as a form of collective self-protection. Conversely, when we are denied it for a prolonged period of time, the want for protection is often overridden by the desire for self-destruction.

“Safety is an illusion”

On the surface, we are conditioned never to look too deep. It is the safest way to avoid painful realisations or the horrible truths about the world or ourselves. As a survival and coping mechanism, this serves to prolong life while making it more difficult for us to break our preconceptions. The deeper, we stare into ourselves, the more the question becomes “how long can we stand the pain?” In general, it depends on how resilient and resistant, we are…but our time is limited. Nobody can cope forever. Eventually, we are forced to ask ourselves, if we can continue until irreperably breaking (i.e. breaking while others watch and do nothing) or if we wish to take back control.
At the very precipes of self-destruction, we have already been destroyed in that we have already made the decision to go forward. However, such a choice is only as inevitable as our committment to do what needs to be done for the right reasons. If we believe, we are worthy of mercy, we must be the first to be benevolent to ourselves. If we are convinced, we are deserving of another chance, we must be the first to give it…Lastly, if we are down and out, then we should not hesistate to put ourselves out of our mysery by any jon-violent means available to us.

When picking up the broken pieces of ourselves on the floor, we should truly contemplate how many other times, the exact same thing has happened in order to draw a conclusion. If it has happened too often, the underlying cause should be removed from the equation to guarantee success. However, if the underlying problem is a person, we cant detach from, then the process of resolutuon becomes a tad more ethically tainted…if we wish to persist regardless of the consequences.

In my case, when the disasterous factor is always you, then it is best to cut as many ties as possible. After all, alone is what people like us do best, simply because we have to…simply because it will never change. Some of us make it through to the bitter end, while others take the preferable options of cutting their suffering short. In all fairness, they might definitely be the lucky ones. Hell, even in the worlds worst dump with the most severe case of spiritual amensia, they are more fortunate than the rest. They need no longer be trapped in world, in which their heart is treated as though it does not exist at all. In any eventuality, who would even notice ther absence? Others impose their perception upon them and they are supposed to agree without question or hesitation. They will simply find someone else to fulfill the same role time after time, no matter the damage, they inflict. Worst thing is, more often than not, the next person will actually play along. They do this for a very simple reason: They know no different.

In our world,
The more you care,
The more vulternable you become.

On a personal note, the concept behind relationships has never been difficult for me to grasp. It is a simple matter of loyalty, respect and empathy in order to build a lasting raport. Yet, in practice, the trult real people, we meey in life are very few. They are the ones, we can turn to, when we are in depserate need of a shoulder to cry on and they’ll always be there. They are the ones, who will believe in us, when no one else can. They are the ones, who’ll take us in, when we have nowhere to go.
As may be easily ascertained, such generality no longer exist for a small percentage of the mainstream population, including myself. After a while, it becomes simpler to just detach from the idea instead to be continuously taunted by it.
People like me are those, who sit on an empty bench by themselves and observe people passing by. We watch their interactions and keep wondering, “Is that even a possibility for me?”. Although we have learnt through many years of experience that it isnt, the thought keeps popping up. Hope refuses to perish. The notion, we may belong, cannot be banished from the mind indefinitely. As a deeply embedded part of our survival instinct, it requires extreme measures to be rid of such a notion permanently. By the time, we reach mid-adulthood, unfulilled desires such as that tend to surface far more intensely. They may create a level of inner upheaval but will disappear soon enough, before reappearing during the mid-life crisis.
In any scenario, belonging is a state of mind. To feel as though we belong can either be delusional or factual, but the feeling itself cannot be forced. For instance, if someone doesn’t feel that they belong, they cannot be made to feel more comfortable by other people overcompensating for past behaviour. It simply creates paranoia and angst.

In truth, as a species, we are beginning to lack the very qualities that define lasting relationships of any kind, from friendship to marriage. The loyal are used for their dedication. Respect is perceived as a weakness. Empathy requires more than a few seconds of thinking about another person without thinking “Me First”.

To remove yourself from the equation of life is just this easy. It is an untangling of our attachments and aversions. It is a process through which we let go completely. We do not cease to feel the relevant emotions associated with strong affinity or dislike toward something/someone, we merely cease to react to him externally as well as internally. In essence, the key is to display compassion, but never get mentally involved or emotionally entangled.
It can be achieved without much effort, if one has very little ties to the social foundations of our modern civilisation. Off-Grid living would be ideal, of course, but few manage work and attain such a goal without solemn determination to succeed at every cost.

True Night

As the light of day vanishes behind the horizon, its last glimmers are reflected in the rushing water of the river. A cold breeze cuts straight through her and she can breathe again. She runs her hand through the blades of grass at her feet. They feel wet to the touch, but she cannot help but let herself drift onto the ground. With the hill at her back, her head disappears into the hood of her jacket…
Twilight departs and the night approaches.
Staring up into the sky, the stars are gradually blanketed by passing clouds on a pitch-black night. Not even the light of the street lamps can reach her here…The river bank is as it once was, an epitome of constant movement in an ever-changing world of darkness, yet at the same time cut off from everything.

Enthralled by the blackening of a moonless heavens, she years for the sun to bring no other day but this one…She can never escape the night and neither would she want to. It encapsulates everything, which calls her back to the present moment.

The winds of the coming storms passed her by, whispering sweet nothings in her ear of a world that’ll never without cost. If we live only with the hope but without action, she wonders, then what of the future? Sooner or later, it is inevitable that hope shall turn sour. After all, there can be no hope without a certain level of expectation. Deep inside her, hope died long ago, yet she cannot shake the feeling that things never change. It grips her one last time, it wont let go…not truly.

She may pray, trust or believe, but what has happened before will happen again. As though, she was watching an overpowering current approach and sweep her under without any effort, she cannot succumb, but she wants to… If she could only catch its momentum at just the right moment, there might be something left of her at the end, but who’d want that?

The temperature dips. She barely notices the soft rustling in the wind. Still the cold doesn’t reach her. Wrapped in the tender embrace of true night, it feels as though it could endure for all eternity…as deceivingly unlikely, perhaps it does, and none of us ever seriously notice…

All is night, though nobody truly sees the night for what it is. When she is played out and used up, it pulls her close. Ready to conceal her under its wings for just a little while longer. Each time, she swears, it shall be the last, but we cannot break free from the desires which define us…from that which makes us who we are, when we cast the die through the choices we make.

In the dusky hours of truth, the night gives and takes. Before dawn, lives are forever changed. In time, she will join them. She’ll never be the same once again. Her mind grows weary at the thought…if only the die wasn’t cast for her by the fragmented mind of another…if only her fate was hers to shape and not a fraction of mankind…if only…
At the heart of night, she gazes into unfathomably deep abyss of the cosmos. After a while, her sorrow fades. Carried afar by thoughts of the unconditional, and for just an instance, she becomes worth fighting for…worth living for…and all the trouble inbetween.
As she’ll walk away, the night shall soon pass her by. There is never enough time to allow herself to be completely enveloped for long enough by its mysterious edge. Her curiosity to explore its wonders never ceases. She can never get her fill…and before she is just out of sight, she shall always turn to glance back at its the water glistening in the light of the stars in such sweet sorrow, as though their light could never cease.

Fading Dreams of the Night

She’s lying in bed motionless. Her head weighs heavily on the pillow as her eyes stare into the distance. She breathes in, she breathes out…Yet she can barely feel her body anymore. Her chest rises and falls, but only she dares to look within. To her, everything feels hollow. An empty shell, obscuring a spaceless, timeless existence filled with limitless potential. There is the want to believe…the desire to trust…in the process of life, but perhaps, she never can…

With every inhale, sleep fades that much further away.
With each exhale, her mind descends into a world of total silence.

The deeper, she treads, the more control she relinquishes until there is none and merely the illusion of control remains. Inch by inch, she releases her grip on that which must never surface. She ventures ever so deep, where no one must ever go…to a cold, dark corner in the back of her mind. It neither comes nor goes, always lurking in the shadows to remind her of who she truly is inside. Night after night, she watches while layers after layer peels back…As though, her every living thought sifts through an hourglass.
With each grain, another memory passes by. Sometimes, they pull her apart with a sharp jerk at the sheer recollection of pain suppressed at the time. Always, they chip away a tiny bit more of what she used to be and she doesn’t mind in the slightest.
With each grain, she lingers in anticipation, longing for the moment before there’ll be nothing left…No more roles to play…No more to bury…No more to hide…No more of anything at all, but the freedom of absolute truth.

Her eyes fall shut slowly. She’s staring into the blackness of her eyelids. Colours fade, only darkness persists. Gradually drifting further into the distance, her breathing deepens. The ache in her side grows with each day, yet there’s no one to tell her what she doesn’t already know. The bottle awaits, but she wont heed its call. Sleeping pills whisper sweet promises of relief, but she cant swallow another.
Amidst the dying of the light, her defences fall away. She won’t go gently into the calm and restful night…but then that has never been her raison d’être. Fated to walk the Earth without a place to call home, she’ll stare at the cloudless, starry night…safe within herself… Destined to march onward.
She’ll imagine the faint ripples of their light, streaming across a vast cosmic ocean. Sometimes, she’ll contemplate why she can never leave a lasting impression of what can’t be conceived with the mind but only be felt through the heart. Seldom, she’ll wonder, if her spirit can be at peace again…and each time, as the last few grains of sand drip down the hourglass, she’ll forever plead for a soul whose love was once pure.

To All Who Dare Defend Their Freedom – Fucking Go For It

Imagine a world, in which self-defence is a criminal act that is punished more severely than a felony. Imagine a world, in which the life-quality of an elite minority takes precedence over the lives of an enire world population. Imagine a world, in which subjugation is of higher importance than profit…

If you can envision all of the above simultaneously, then you’ll come pretty close to seeing our world as it is, not how we would like it to be. Yet, even at the lowest point of existence, there will always be those that strive to remedy such injustices. To those who dare, this current situation is but a challenge to be solved creatively…However, when these creative solutions share the same consequences, where do we draw the legal line?

If the mere expression of our thoughts is an act punishable by law, then what will happen to our right to free speech? What will happen to our way of thinking?

Whose freedom are we protecting by remaining silent? Certainly not our own, not even the freedom of those attempting to suppress ours.

In the words of George Orwell, “if liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” And he was right…but what when we have entered a world, in which expressing what we think or how we feel makes us a liability?Regardless of gender or race…that is always the case. From an early age, we are conditioned to only share what is socially accepted, but is that a way to live?

Your life is your life, it is nobody elses, So don’t allow yourself to be dominated by others. Don’t allow your actions to be dictated to by others, nor the regret you feel for having done so. It is a betrayal to yourself, which will prevent you from fulfilling you maximum potential. If you allow yourself to be dictated to by…perhaps your parents, your society, your education system, your politicians, your priests, whosoever they are…if you allow yourself to be dominated by others you will miss the best things in life. As Osho remarked, “domination comes from outside and life is within you.” The two may only meet when the external becomes non-externalised, which in turn means they cancel each other out.

There are two types of people: the obedient and the rebellious. One is a ready to take orders, retreat and/or surrender when things get tough. They have yet to discover their independent spirit. Howeve, they cannot do so until they are able to trust their own being. Unfortunately, the people make up the greater part of the world. They are the masses. The other is a small minority who reject society as well as its values. They think they are rebellious, but they primarily react to the way society dominates them. Rebellion becomes a means to gain back a modicum of control after it has been lost…unless it consists of purely selfless acts.

Whicheve type you are, follow your dream. Ask yourself ‘What do you really want to do?” But be aware you might be scared to admit what you really want to yourself. Unconsciously you may fear that you won’t be able to control your desire once you’ve admitted to it. In fact, it can cause real physical and mental illness if we continue to repress what we know deep down…it will come up eventually anyway. So, by acknowledging what we really want and pursue it, we may end up changing our current job, relationship, position in society, or whatever, but we will be
gaining the freedom to pursue what truly motivates and satisfies us. Remember that success is having a fixed goal but varying means on how to achieve it.

“If at first you don’t succeed,

Don’t try it again.

It didn’t work the first time!

Try something different!”

Changing the way you think can help you embrace a newly found freedom. If you think about life in terms of deprivation and suffering. You’ll never find enjoyment in personal growth, and most likely will soon give up on your endeavors. On the other hand, a person who thinks of life as a form of expression of their freedom will welcome opportunities to expand the consciousness of all people.
When facing temptations and fighting hard to not let them control you, remember that through letting
go of them, you aren’t losing anything substantial. You are simply taking the libery to be a master of your thoughts and emotions, which is ultimately worth more than any temporary gratification, of which you’re depriving yourself.

Where Do You Feel Safe?

When your heart weighs heavily on your spirit, what do you do? For the most part, we are driven reach out. To express our problems in order to seek a solution…but what if we cant?

What when safety reveals itself to be the illusion, which it always has been, how are we supposed feel? At first, we may deny the truth to react with anger. Upon acceptance, it is normal to spiral out of control a little bit, but eventually we begin to realise, there is a freedom in uncertainty.

Anxiety has become a major topic in our modern world. We may even be so anxious, we feel depressed when we are not, simply waiting for the next wave of extreme emotion to paralyse us. At present, anxiety disorders are recognised, but it wasn’t always this way. My generation was conditioned to dismiss fear and confront it head on. We were pushed, bullied and beaten out of allowing fear to hold us back. For some it worked, for others not so much…

Regardless in what way others encourage us to shed our fears, we can only let go of them ourselves. The same applies to our insecurities.

As imperfect as life may be, it is all we have. Again and again…so we cling to that which makes us feel secure, as temporary it might be. Until one big event shatters those illusions, too many remain trapped in unhappy circumstances. They can’t find a way out of them, since they feel escape will make them more vulnerable…which it often does when no support network exists. Though “just” a small number of these cases resort to desperate options, the number is rising every day.

For what it is worth, nobody should settle for a life of unhappiness, no matter how scary it can seem to leave the present situation.

You are worth more than that!

Safety is perhaps the second most persistent illusion, apart from space-time. It lulls us into a sense of trust in the process of life, which is currently being manipulated by approx. 1% of the global population for their own gain…to establish their own safe space.

People like me, and perhaps even like you, don’t have safe spaces. Trust doesn’t work out, but we don’t stop taking a chance. It is a cycle of pain that grinds us down until we find a reason to try again. However, giving up eventually because we perpetuate this cycle by trusting the same personality types is far more likely. Miracles do happen though.

I am perhaps not the most qualified to ask you to trust in people or believe that things can change. They never have for me, and they probably never will…but I refuse to quit. The fight against our worst insticts is never done. We simply need to continue to the end of this life, and similar problems will emerge in the next…in perhaps a brave new world, we never thought was possible. That, in fact, would not be possible without our perseverance.

Where we feel secure has much to do with when. A feeling of safety can be associated with when we visit a particular place, person or do a specific thing…But those things change. Places are turned to dust. People either leave or die. The joy once gotten from doing a certain thing can vanish, if we get depressed enough. So, what should we do, when nothing works anymore?

In essence, we must never give up on ourselves. Life is a conundrum of esoterica. It is so much more mysterious than we could ever imagine. It is filled with so much more unexpected kindness or compassion than we assume so readily. However, we can never discover any of this, if we don’t take the bad with the good.

There are moments, when it seems impossible to go on, but we must. When we need to wipe away our tears and pretend to be just fine…regardless of what happened. Yet, we can only find the strength to do this so many times without confronting the undelying issue. Eventually, if we don’t, we will self-destruct or do something we might sincerely regret. Although there can be no such thing as a safe space in the outside world, we can attain a state of being, in which we feel safe within ourselves… This is far from easy. It wont work in every possible circumstance, bu it is only method that can soften even the hardest blows.

Externalising Fear: As grown-ups, we might still use defense mechanisms we developed as children. Instead of making us feel safe as adults, our behavior causes us to feel unsafe. Instead of facing the situation head on, which we can’t do because we have no idea how to take responsibility for our own safety, we focus our fears on something else. For example, the abused child worries about pleasing their parents or the beaten wife worries about the academic performance of her kids. In shifting our attention elsewhwere, we distract ourselves from what we are going through. More importantly, what we are unconsciously doing to ourselves. After all, we cannot stay true to ourselves, if we abandon our own well-being for the sake of someone elses.

Suppressing Fear: For men, it is fairly common to learn at an early age to bury their emotions. Few cultures encourage young boys to process what they feel…Instead, they learn by the example that getting angry because they deny their emotions is a socially approved way to deal with their mental state.

How to cope:

Chögyam Trungpa once said

“…rather than being disheartened by the ambiguity, the uncertainty of life, what if we accepted it and relaxed into it? What if we said, ‘Yes, this is the way it is. This is what it means to be human, and decided to sit down and enjoy the ride?”

We feel unsafe, because we are designed to expect safety. Our insecurities just reinforce this feeling… From childhood onwards, we begin to feel unsafe within ourselves, so we developed coping mechanisms to deal with the world and our perceived self. We may act out of fear and anger instead of courage and love. We might even find reasons to be hurt by others no matter how nice they are…

Whatever we do, we must learn to be present in the moment and let go of the past in order to embrace the unknown. As hard as it may sound, all of our experiences have made us who we are. The good and the bad. Without them, we could not be who we are now…so we must find ways to be grateful for them. Even if it simply means to acknowledge the strength we have found to overcome the insurmountable.

Accept yourself for the wondrous, amazing self that you have become, because…you are astonishing just the way you are.

Knowledge is Free

The lessons, we learn in life, represent deep realisations that can only come from adversity. In the processes of creation, preservation and destruction, the nature of the cosmos is inherently violent. Therefore, our knowledge is gained from our sweat, tears and pain. It is not effortlessly attained, but it is completely free from materialistic constraints, such as money or conflict.

It can only be found within, since it emerges from the deepest part of ourselves. The part, who knows when our choices involve the lives of others, that they have physical consequences for this person, including everyone associated with. But, they also have moral consequences that do not abide by our sensitivities, quite the opposite. We may think our actions are selfless, but when we take the liberty to decide for another or speak on their behalf, then we are taking the most precious thing they have…Their freedom.

What is it that we are all living for? – A Personal Story

Have you ever spent day by day, wondering why? The answer has been explained in depth inside other posts…Self-Realisation. The experience of cosmic oneness that absorbs the experiencer and the experienced into itself.

Beyond that, what the fuck are we doing?

I dont know about you but I…well…I am perhaps the worst excuse of a human being. After so many years of doing what was expected, I ventured out on my own at the ripe age of 14…still conditioned to do what is necessary to survive in a hostile environment. Friendship was never a concept that was in the cards for me, neither were healthy relationships. After years of abuse, my stench of desperation pretty much drove everyone away.

Recently, I’ve felt a sense of hope, which reawakened dreams that perished long ago. Perhaps, things can change for the better after all. Perhaps, I’m just another deluded woman, seeking true partnership instead oneupmanship. No matter what I am, I choose to live my life speaking my mind freely.

For this reason, I am sharing something deeply personal with you. It goes beyond the spiritual concepts, we strive for but can never make a utopian reality. We, as people, have strayed so far from our path…Social segregation has driven us to the brink of insanity followed by imminent genocide. When to know this is going on in the world means to be politically incorrect, what happens to the truth? It becomes the first casualty of a world war that is inbound.

I could never wrap my head around the sense behind it all. By the age of 15, I had lost everything. My home. My family. Any possible support network I could have had to process these losses with assistance…As time kept passing by the second, I felt as though the ground had shattered under my feet. Safety revealed itself to be an illusion maintained by the tallest thug in the room with the fighting experience to back his play and control the crowd.

For what it’s worth, I did not desist. I worked hard, read every book under the sun and began my journey into adulthood with little success. At a young age, I already took responsibility for people two or three times my age…and after nearly 15 years, several questions arose. Will it always be this way? Will anyone ever take care of me? Why am I still here, when I’m just living on borrowed time?

After I had been raped the first time, I told no one. Still haven’t. The responses from those I spoke to about an attempted rape at 14 were lacking more than merely compassion…so I learnt to keep stumm. Before that incident, I thought it could not get any worse. I had suffered the unspeakable at the hands of friends and stranger to the point I ceased to trust. However, I least expected it, I fell in love. Initially, I fell back on my original conditioning…to please at any cost…but then he got me to trust him. Things were looking up for the first time in over 6 years…until one night, when he returned home drunk out of his mind. After the second time by another person, it seemed less painful…less important. I wanted to tell, but I was numb, pretending to enjoy the level of intimacy demanded from me. Personally, I thought that would never change.

The want for the pain to end is the primary cause behind all suicide. Nobody wants to die, but death is preferable over suffering. How do I know? During a dark night at 14, my mother had gone to bed. Again, I could not sleep. At that time, I had become accustomed to crying myself to sleep after extreme arguments that would last hours every day and would sometimes end in violence. I never hit back. I couldn’t, so I began to self-harm. In the end, it was a cycle of hurting myself for being hurt…until I tried to run away twice. When that didn’t work, I hoarded enough pills or what I thought was enough. After 10 years in the medical industry, I know better now, but then, I just couldn’t wait any longer. I was so desperate for the pain to end, I took the chance without a backup solution. Statistically, the more lethal the means of suicide, the more successful they are.

For what it is worth, I am fortunate it did not succeed. I was lucky to survive to process what drove me to such measures. Moreover, I survived worse after without resorting to further attempts.

Life is a whirlwind of experience. I would not wish for it to be any other way. Without the bad days, how could there be the good? We must never give up on ourselves or others. It is our solemn duty to squeeze the most out of life, just not at the expense of others. Be kind to those who’ve known to little kindness. Be bold to those who overstep their mark at the expense of others…and love unconditionally for the fucking hell of it.

Addiction – Where does it end?

Prior to 1779, the term referred to a state of being, in which we develop a penchant for a specific type of thing. Before that year, addiction was perceived more as a habit than a physiological condition. However, we realise today, there is very little difference. When it comes down to consciousness engineering, we can become dependent on almost anything. After this point of human development, we began to add to our understanding of how simple substance abuse can lead to severe health complications, especially for those who mix and match. Naturally there are those, who are more susceptible than others, but nothing is unbeatable.

Bottling up trauma may lead to inadequate coping strategies that are often perpetuated in adult life.

When we ask ourselves, what if I will never be able to stop? What if I don’t want to stop? What if there are days that I do and days that I don’t? What if those around me don’t support me as much as they enable me or themselves?

It all depends on the choice of poison but the symptoms of behavioural conditioning are universal. When we are deprived of something that we depend on, then we may experience a painful transition until we have overcome our dependency issues. Still, in actuality, everything shapes our consciousness. Even the smallest things can alter the way we think, speak and act. In fact, they have to for us to evolve, but they also further our devolution.

To maintain control constantly means to never be able to let down our guard. It means to avoid any and all mind-altering things in the multiverse, which is an impossibility. But, where do we draw the line? When does indulgence become dependency? We may distinguish right or wrong through the rule of law, although we know it’s not that simple. Nothing in life ever is…

When we contemplate the use of any mind-altering substance [ranging from pharmaceuticals, cannabis to alcohol], there is an underlying reason. Pain relief, for example, on a psychological as well as physical level. As a rule, the kind of substances we can access easily determines how lethal self-medicating is our society is. When over the counter medication or supplements have a higher dosage of certain compounds than medically advised, their destructive nature makes them more than an easy sale.

Anything can be addictive. In all fairness, everything that we cannot live without fosters a state of dependency. It creates a state of being, in which our lives revolve around habits, we cannot break. It seems important at the time, even if we know it will destroy us.
Many of us wake up in the morning and start their day with a drink to keep the hangover at bay or a cigarette to satisfy their bodies nicotine cravings. I’m not one to talk, but I know what it’s like and it doesn’t end well.

“Certain processes which should be regarded as the abnormal functions of the individuals psychology now commence with the rise of the desire for material possessions [wealth and property] the desire for sexual contact and the sense of self-respect which materialises into the desire of self-glorification and the exercise of power over those outside oneself, which all come step by step, in succession. Here, the entanglement of consciousness is complete, and this is what is known as Samsara, or the painful earthly life. It is unfortunate that the mind of man does not rest even with this self-degeneration and, by process of time, getting itself accustomed to this condition, as if it is its natural state, forms its philosophy of ‘it is better to rule in hell than serve in heaven’. The result of this is the formulation of erroneous philosophies such as materialism, scepticism, agnosticism, pluralism, formalism, such as we find in the addiction to mere ritual, as well as the several arts and sciences which man regards as his highest achievements today but which are intended only to rationalise and perpetuate the condition of entanglement of consciousness with objects of various kinds, into which is has already descended. Even the so-called impersonal sciences of mathematics, physics, chemistry, biology and empirical psychology appear to be valid only so long as nature is regarded as external consciousness. A philosophy based on this bifurcation of experience cannot therefore save consciousness from the pains it suffers in entanglement.”

– Swami Krishnananda

The mind seeks to interpret the universe through the senses. However, there is a distinction to be made between relative existence and reality. In its absolute state, reality is self-sustaining…It cannot be interpreted through anything within the confines of our multiverse, only that which gave rise to them. So where does it end? Prior to time and space…in a timeless, spaceless void, where all is one.