The Perfect Couple: Shattering the Illusions of Momentary Bliss

Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of its troubles, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility, for it thinks all things are lawful for itself and all things are possible…

– Thomas Kempis

The perfect couple. We’ve all met them, haven’t we…or at least, we think we have. We think of them as those two people so clearly made for each other.
We feel certain they’re on the highway to happiness but that road is riddled with many distractions and accidental detours. However, even seemingly perfect couples can find themselves…at a dead end…without the tiniest glimmer of hope.
It is not that these couples have no future with each other, but that our mainstream definition of perfection is heavily tainted by unrealistic expectations. While we know, ‘perfect’ cannot exist in physical space-time, we do not cease to aim for excellence. We do so, as we wish to fulfill our highest possible potential. However, to attain such heights…to become whole…to be in complete harmony with all-that-is means we (mathematically) cease to exist. In practice, there are theories, legends and stories of those, who’ve achieved such a state. One more mystical than the following, yet they share common denominators. For example, the courage to look within oneself, the ability to show compassion instead of judgement, the wisdom to know nothing is beyond reason or so forth. Still, few tales of enlightenment are love stories. Personally, I only know of a handful. Some are intensely sexual, focusing on the tantric aspects of cosmic unity, like the story of Nalakubara. Then, there are others of dutiful, solemn devotion, such as the epic of Shiva and Kali.

When we examine the greatest love stories of human history, we find they are wrought with misery, separation and insatiable longing. For instance, in the case of Napoleons desire for Josephine. Although he wished to despise her for the way she treated him, he could not. Her repeated absences to their rendezvous only made him want to claim her as his even more. She rarely replied to his poetic love letters in a fashion that’d be deserving of such selfless affection. It took years before she warmed up to him and even then, his affection was largely unreciprocated.
To elaborate, what we often imagine to be this grand, flawless love so many speak of doesn’t truly exist. It is in those little moments of weakness, in which we expose ourselves completely when mutually deep connections are forged. Naturally, it isn’t always simple to distinguish the good guys or gals from the bad. When we leave ourselves vulnerable, we are taking the risk to be injured for how we think, feel or are. Sometimes, it will hurt beyond the imagination…but sinners can surprise us, the same goes for saints. We are so eager to define others as purely good or evil, we overlook our reluctance to accept the truth…that compassion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart…that through choice, anyone is capable of anything.

Helpful Hints

Compromise Creatively: We all want different things compared to our partner sometimes, therefore it is essential to work together in order to find an acceptable solution for both partners. More importantly, do not merely agree to a bad deal, because it is easier. It cannot be stressed enough, a compromise has to be mutual. Both men and women can cave, as they believe they will be rewarded in some way later on…But, there are no guarantees.
In my personal opinion, I get where men are coming from when they attend the opera once a year (though most despise every minute) in order to get lucky. More often than not, if they come clean about how they feel, they are chastised for it. However, I equally understand how difficult it is for women, when the compromise isn’t honoured or postponed indefinitely. Yet, I feel most for those people, for whom compromising isn’t an option.

Forgive: Everyone makes mistakes on occasion. Some we may easily let slide as poor judgement, whereas others represent a breach of trust that may end the relationship. If it is not worth breaking up for, maybe brood a while and be the bigger person by making the first step to reconciliate. Furthermore, it is vital to communicate extensively about what exactly happened, why it occurred, how it can be avoided in the future and then damage repaired.

Be Involved & Committed: Love may begin with mental, emotional as well as physical attraction but it ends in commitment. Commitment is inherent in any genuinely loving relationship. Anyone who is truly concerned for the spiritual growth of another knows, consciously or instinctively, that he or she can significantly foster that growth only through a relationship of constancy (eg. by being involved consistently). This does not mean crossing boundaries before their time. Occasionally, we all need time to ourselves or are not yet ready to share certain aspects of our lives with others. If our partner feels that way, we must respect it. If we struggle with this, a rather uncomfortable trick is to mirror the commitment and involvement of the person, we are with, until they are prepared to move the relationship to the next level.

Everyone must choose the path they are going to take in life. And for a special few, their road will lead them to loved ones who accompany them along the way. Though not each one will be by our side at the end of the journey, we must remember the good times fondly without wishing for what could have been. When we do, we cannot fully appreciate or be thankful for all we have in the here and now.

Regardless what we have endured in the past, in order to be a part of a healthy relationship, we must move forward with the knowledge and experience, which we have gained so far. Sooner or later, we learn there is no such thing as the perfect couple. What may be perfect for us, might just be torment for someone else. Perfect is different from everyone. For most, the ultimate relationship experience must be tailored to what we identify with as a person. For a small percentage, however, it has to meet higher needs of their consciousness development at the time in rare and powerful ways.

Maslow’s Pyramid Transformed

Maslows pyramid of basic as well as advanced requirements represent a universal hierarchy of needs present in all forms of life. It permeates every aspect of our existences, since our wants and desires are interlinked from the lowest to the highest. The implications of his work on relationships are too deep-reaching (yes, the word actually exists according to the internet) to explain as a side-note. If you wish to read more on the subject, please click here.

For now, we must only understand the impact our requirements have on functioning in complete harmony as a couple. It is lovely to believe ‘all you need is love’, when there is food on our table, money for rent, bills and luxuries…However, no relationship is likely to be trouble-free indefinitely.
When how we meet our needs is affected outside of our control, it has a definite impact. Therefore, how both partners respond to adversity decides on whether the relationship stands a chance. For instance, he may balance her, while she is breaking down due to the situation or she might console him when things aren’t working out as planned. Some examples of how relationships can be influenced when we fail to meet our needs as follows:

• Survival: Sudden Life-Threatening Events, Acute or Chronic Illness
  (Support, Companionship, Trauma Bonding, )
• Security: Homelessness, Unemployment, Financial Instability
  (Trauma Bonding, Shared Loss, True Acceptance)
• Sexuality: Infertility, PCOS, Hypothalamic Amenorrhea, Erectile Dysfunction, Premature Ejaculation
  (Increased Emotional Intimacy, Shared Problem-Solving)
• Belonging: Societal Exclusion, Social Rejection, Isolation, Absence of Support Network, Unable to Feel Completely Accepted, Poor Work Performance, Lack of Social Skills, Overwhelming Responsibilities
  (Confidence, Personal Power, Contentment, Trust, Growing Intimacy, Strong Affinity, Self-Improvement)
• Love: Bereavement, Trauma, Conflict, Pain
  (Communication, Compassion, Empathy, Solace, Healing)
• Cognitive: Lack of Self-Awareness, Depression, Anxiety, Mood Swings, Misconception, Pessimistic Attitude or Outlook
  (Experiential Knowledge, Intuition, Mental/Psychic Connection)
• Meaning: Blind Faith, Unanswered Questions, Lack of Experiences to Draw Conclusion, Inner Restlessness
  (Truth, Self-Realisation, Unity)

As a relationship progresses, it deepens. We begin to learn more about each others behaviour on a day to day basis. Ideally, we adapt to each others habits. For the first three to six months, couples are often more eager to please according to personal preferences. After the honeymoon phase ends, this changes for some, whereas for others, it becomes more involved a part of a new, shared routine that continues to evolve over decades.
Needless to say, relationships consist of give and take. However, no daliance can survive giving with the expectation to receive in the long run. When we give out of live, we do so not because we are obligated or anticipate something in exchange…We do so, because it is in giving that we receive. In modern relationships, we often expect others to live according to a certain standard (eg. car, job, apartment, washing machine…) In theory, there is nothing wrong with societal standards, divided into classes. Yet, it is not put into practice correctly by truly providing everyone with equal opportunities in life. For instance, there are usually physical, mental or emotional factors to be considered, when people date or marry outside their social class…since how we think, dress and act is conditioned by those whose influence over us is greatest growing up.

On a related note, women are more likely to abandon previously healthy marriages to escape poverty, particularly when there are children involved.

Nobody is perfect. Only by working on ourselves may we genuinely improve the quality of a long-term, monogamous relationship. Of course, there are partner with whom we are more of less compatible…with whom our probability of lasting success is higher compared to others. Nevertheless, there’ll always be those behavioural quirks or attitudes, which annoy or irritate. Simply put, we cannot force others to change.
In the ideal relationship, we are free from judgement for who we appear to be. Quirks, habits, random thoughts and all….can there be anything closer to perfection than complete acceptance on every level of our being?

So, have you met the perfect couple? The two spirits whose love endures life after life and never dies? The two lovers whose relationship can overcome any threat…whose loyalty is never tried? The husband and wife who trust each other completely against the odds?
If you haven’t, let me introduce you… They stand atop a layer of butterscotch frosting, reminding us the only real union we may achieve in love is becoming one with the cosmos through the eyes of another.

Can We Know The Absolute Truth?

Was there a time in your life, in which you questioned your loyalty to those around you or even to yourself? Although it is bound to occur sooner or later, it happens far too early and far too frequently for some. The reason for this is not the devolution of society, community or the family unit, but rather the concept of “knowing” itself.
In order to know anything, we must adhere to the same principles as the observer effect, which it turn means that knowing shares some of the same implications.

In the realm of physics, everything has a cause and yields an effect. Ergo, everything happens for a reason, even if the reason does not seem all that apparent. In probablistic algorithms, this includes the act of learning that ultimately leads to the attainment of further knowledge in the future. Consider this process in slow motion:

1. Introduction – the place and time we encounter the subject or object in question, incl. surrounding events leading up to that very moment.|
2. Development of Interest – the instant our curiosity is peaked.
3. Assimilation of Information – the more interested we are, the more we begin to learn about the subject or object.
4. Interpretation Through Perception – After much information gathering, we draw a conclusion based on what we know.
5. Repeat Process

When perceive knowing from this standpoint, how we trust becomes a consequence of a long-winded thought process, starting at the beginning of our individual consciousness.

Without the fundamental knowledge about an object or subject, we are only able to draw a finite number of conclusions. So, at times, we are lulled into complacency and trust on faith….However, instead of an assent of the mind to the truth, our blind reliance on others can carry a steep price, if we are not careful.

In any case, the tendency to trust too easily as well as the inability to trust are a symptom of a larger problem. These opposite ends of the “trust spectrum” also happen to address a rather relevant philosophical conundrum that may bridge the gap between the two extremes: the absolute aspects of “knowingness” in relative space-time.

On this note, we arrive at the question what is knowing? The term dates back to the 14th century, when the adjective was defined as “with knowledge of truth”, which leads us to ask, what is truth? Now, truth exists in two forms in a dualistic universe or universe with a circular spectrum: (1) relative and (2) absolute. In both forms, truth is often equivalated with proper awareness. Conversely, what we define as proper is determined by social standards. Our oldest understanding of proper means to be adapted to some purpose. In ideal world, the purpose would be honourable, filled with noble intentions to shape a world free from suffering. Yet, in any society, the purpose is swayed by mainstream information. Ultimately, this purpose can eiher bring us toward or further away from expanding our consciousness. Even when we are in a state of apparent stagnation, there is still movement in the form of tempero-spatial progression. In simple terms, our consciousness still perceives what is happening as sequence of events within the space time continuum from our individual perspective. This often comes with an involuntary confirmation bias, in which we interpret reality in a way that confirms our personal as well as collective preconceptions. Hence, we draw conclusions in the absence of experiential evidence prior to the self. Far too often, we do not even attempt to verify what we think to be true.

In addition, at higher levels of consciousness, all-time occurs simultaneously while all-space converges. All that was, is or could ever be happens all at once as a seemingly singular, interconnected movement known as our universe. In essence, our universe is the result of a chain-reaction, from which gazillions of possibilities unfold, but onle one can manifest.
When we stand further back to perceive our universe as just one possible form of existence, we are simply one string interweaved in a myriad of others. We could argue, all of which are circular and explore the implications. We could envision a cascade of never-ending existences, trying to imagine what they would be like. However, we can only know by being…through that long-winded battle of striving to attain a state of infinite existence and succeeding…

To clarify, our universe is merely a tiny ripple in a vast cosmic sea of possible realities, just as we are a tiny ripple in the bottomless ocean of society. So, all we know seems circumstantially relative, but becomes much more definitive when we translate knowledge into action. For example, we can think the Earth is flat but when we hop into a spaceship to check, it’ll be an oblate spheroid. Push come to shove, what we know is only as true as our ability to prove the fact. Put in context with our societal hierarchy, this implies that our knowlege is only as good as how we present our case. Whether we are speaking the truth sadly doesn’t matter as much as it should. Though we can change that through nurture, we can’t change nature. For instance, we can create an environment, in which we foster open-mindedness and curiosity, but we can’t force everyone to be tolerant to each other around the clock every day. When ideas collide in the search for the absolute truth, there is going to be fallout and the ego will be the first casualty. So, the most important rule in our search is to leave our ego behind. In doing so, we don’t argue as much as we try to understand where the other person is coming from.

Who The Fuck is Right?

Your truth, my truth, who the fuck is actually right at the end? Honestly, both but no one. We may understand the manner, in which a person perceives anything, yet we can never be certain that they aren’t lying to themselves. We might believe we know another inside out, just to realise eventually that we never truly knew them at all. Everything is relative, capable of being interpreted in the exact opposite way. It is a simple matter of subjective experience, giving rise to relative truths.
For example, in the case of eyewitness statements, this becomes deadly apparent. Although everyone involved witnessed the same incident, the descriptions wildly differ. While our recollections are only as reliable as our memory, how and what we remember depends greatly on our thought processes. In fact, our thoughts shape our memory not only through neuronal connections, but through the reason why we interpret things the way we do.

To be who we are means constant effort for our body and mind. From birth onward, we develop and maintain an identity, dependent on conditional factors. People, events and the world helps mould what we have already become. So, without the occurrence of certain defining moments, we cease to be the current version of ourselves.
Our mind is endlessly processing what has, is and may happen. Content continuously rises to the surface and falls underneath the line of conscious or voluntary recollection. We never stop forgetting and remembering, unless we still the mind completely. Moreover, it takes persistent practice to be present in the now. We must be consistent in our effort to care more for the truth than our personal interpretation.
For what it’s worth, we rarely notice how our own personal perception of reality creates bias in our judgement of what we believe to be the truth. We forget to consider sides to a subject, for instance, because we associate negatively with them. We overestimate the importance of specific factors due to positive experiences in the past. From a primal standpoint, our physical, emotional and social survival relies on remembering some things but forgetting others. Through the evolution of our consciousness, however, we can choose to do neither. We can position ourselves on the fine line in between. We can be vigilant without judging ourselves or those around us. We can just be in the moment, observing…contemplating the absolute truth from within the confines of relative existence…But it wouldn’t be enough.

To discern something as complex as the absolute truth from a version of the relative is not a simple task. To know the absolute truth about ourselves, we need to remove the influence of all relative aspects that make up our personality. This is also a rather painful key to lasting happiness in yogic non-attachment practices. To discover the absolute truth about the many worlds, we must delve into the origin, nature and purpose of existence prior to the relative. If all is mind, then truth is a multi-faceted, collective construct. It contains ego-destroying layers of personal perspectives from every possible angle inside a vast consciousness, whose probability of ending is zero…So, are you ready?

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3 Reasons Why We Are Offended By Belief

We live in a multi-cultural world, where political correctness was designed to maintain a level of mutual respect and understanding. However, when our beliefs don’t quite fit into the establishment, they can indicate distrust or even disrespect…but even when a part of the global establishment embraces those beliefs, in other parts of the world those beliefs are not acceptable. Regardless of what we believe, as long as we do not abuse our beliefs to justify acts of violence, we are entitled to the level of religious freedom that enables us to pursue self-realisation through whichever religion. (It should be noted that violence takes many forms: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual/religious etc. This also includes neglect, which is defined as the failure to care for those aspects)

Although countless of athiest keep an open mind toward the spiritual, many are rather nihilistic toward the subject…To the point, where they cannot maintain ‘normal’ relationships with spiritual and/or religious practitioners of any kind. This is not an uncommon phenomenon, where any faith or lack thereof is concerned. We feel annoyed or resentful, when others display a certain disregard toward what we think or feel, but that should not mean we have to change our entire belief system to accommodate them. Any philosophical or mental construct, even peace, can be perceived as an insult, dependent on the situation.

On a related note, we all have an acquaintance or two that we avoid theological conversations with. No matter how hard we try, we often agree to disagree. However, for as long as neither party is forced to submit to the beliefs of the other, there can be a modicum of freedom.

We only have collective freedom of expression, as long as we display compassion, when our opinions or beliefs are questioned… After all, verbal or physical aggression has never turned anyone into a true believer.  Conversely, unquestioning submission to a belief, particularly when forced, cannot bring peace. It can never lead us to the truth. Moreover,  without occasionally pushing the boundaries of religion or spirituality, where would be the development? How could we strive to attain higher levels of experiential knowledge?

This leads us to the question, why are some so easily offended, when others do not share their beliefs or outright deny their possible merits? (1.) Desire (2.) Attachment (3.) Ignorance

(1.) Desire: When we do not share our beliefs with another, it can put a strain on the relationship from the word go. Their priorities often wildly differ from our own. However, in life, we are bound to desire acceptance, unless we understand that not everyone can or will accept us. If we do not understand this, then we are far more likely to attempt to change others or ourselves to gain social acceptance. Although such desires do not have to be self-serving. They are only rooted in good intentions in rare cases, but especially then it is of profound importance to maintain boundaries and respect that others muse learn to make their own decision. It is not our right to choose for them.

Being accepted comes from showing acceptance without causing physical and/or psychological harm in the process. Without the aim to control or dominate. However, if we cannot accept ourselves, how can we accept anyone else?

In numerous cultures, women are perceived as second-class citizens. Saudi Arabia and now Pakistan, for instance. In addition, they are held responsible for the actions of men around them. In reoccurring textbook examples of abuse, they are held liable for the desire they inflame, which frequently leads to sexual assault. Upon rejection of romantic or sexual advances, they are scolded with sulfuric acid or even burnt alive, as a disincentive for other women. This serves as a means to show them what may happen to them should they refuse to comply. Fear becomes the ultimate weapon of control to fulfil mens worldly desires reinforced through a system of oppressive religious laws that currently strives for global domination.

(2.) Attachment: When we cling to faith, as if it was a life-raft, there is going to be a conflict of interest. Not everyone will want to float on it with us. Our attachment to religious or spiritual beliefs may enable one person to get through the day, but other people may not feel the same way. I’ve encountered plenty of men, women and children that do not share the same beliefs as their relatives. Some weep and pray for their souls still, as they cannot bear the notions that they will not share a place in the afterlife with their loved ones (which is simply not true, but their expectations can make it so!)

When we love unconditionally, all we long for is happiness, regardless of what shape it may take. For what it is worth, they could worship Lucifer, the Light-Bringer or former Sun-God, and we would let them get on with it. (as long as there is no animal or human sacrifice) For as long as they are free and happy to make their own choices, we are content to let them be. That is the difference between love and attachment. True love depends on non-interference without the urge for the object/subject of our affection to satisfy our needs and wants.

(3.) Ignorance: Our lack of knowledge always becomes the source of someone else’s power to do with as they please. It is the cornerstone of inequality, fear and hatred.

It is the ignorance of our true nature that prevents us from realising that we are all connected, no matter what we believe. For as long as kindness and open-mindedness is not an integral aspect of our religious practices, they can never bear any other fruit than  resentment. When we perceive others as an extension of our own self, we cannot see them for who they truly are: a vibrant, unique part of a greater whole that we are also a part of. By harming them, we only harm ourselves. By liberating them, we can liberate ourselves. Ignorance is a grave betrayal to our spiritual/religious beliefs, as it leads us to view ourselves as seperate from our fellow man. Worst case scenario, it fuels our ego to the point where we view our beliefs superior to theirs…

Ignorance may be bliss for a while, but eventually it leads to immense suffering, when everything comes crashing down…when we have no choice other than to accept the reality that we’ve been denying all along. As is stated in the Upanishads, human beings cannot live without challenges. They cannot live without meaning. We are driven by a deep, inner urge to achieve the impossible, to know the unknown, to shed any and all ignorance in order to arrive at the Absolute Truth

Thou Art That🌹

From Rape to Assisted Suicide

This morning I opened up the newspaper and to my surprise…Euthanasia is now administered to sexually abused, chronically ill children around the age of 12, if they feel that they cannot move on with their lives. The article went on to state that many more people are choosing euthanasia as a result of mental illness. As a psychologist, I may be able to shed some light on how to cope and intervene without taking such desperate measures. (Taking my personal history of mistreatment into consideration, I might not be the most objective observer, but at least I speak only the truth.)
If this topic concerns you, I’d like you to know that I understand…I have been where you are. It is easier to be ‘put to sleep’ and simply restart at another time or place, but what lesson are we teaching? What we are basically saying to others and ourselves is “It’s okay that you’re hurt, but since we can’t fix you, how would you like us to assist you in your suicide?” when we should be letting them know that they don’t have to go through this alone…that they don’t have to die, because the world is corrupt and there is little other free support.
Many that fall victim to a sexual predator can’t simply forget or move on, especially children. They no longer view themselves as innocent. Moreover, if the parents push their own responsibility for the abuse onto their child, this can develop into severe identity problems. After less than a year, their view of the world becomes distorted. They begin to feel guilty and undeserving. Many stop speaking, eating and socialising. Every breath they take becomes a reminder of how responsible they were for what happened… The pain, they feel, doesn’t vanish. It festers…but many never say a word for one reason: The majority get hurt for being hurt.
This can occur in countless ways, but most commonly, victims of sexual assault express how these experiences continue to harm them internally, which leads to one of several negative reactions: (a) apathy/cold indifference, (b) dismissal, (c) misplaced rage, (d) misplaced sadness
Many of the people I’ve worked with struggled to make their voices heard initially. When they discuss what they how they feel during recovery, close relatives tended to drift off topic. One minute they’re crying their eyes out about how Uncle Joe bent them over the table, nearly tearing them a new asshole, while the relative that they’re confiding in is too occupied, thinking about how Uncle Joe still owes them a tenner. In my early student years, I despised conducting family therapy for that reason, simply because sometimes there is no happy ending. Some people will never love their children or family members the way they would like them to. With or without the application of force, they probably never will, but telling a survivor that is painful. It pries into a primal fear of abandonment that we all share. No child should be expected to deal with abuse and then neglect, it sets very bad standards and lowers expectations in others from the outset.
None of the responses listed above are rational or even helpful but that has never stopped people. However, before we judge, it’s vital to understand that they don’t know how to cope with the situation. If forced to confront the reality of the situation, they’d shut down, cry hysterically or experience a depressive episode. It should be noted that approx. half have traumatic experiences of their own that they keep bottled up that need to processed first before they can support loved one’s through such tough times.
On a related note, we can all be rather self-centred without meaning to be, when someone we care about shares something to deeply personal. However, when we don’t take them seriously, it can have grave consequences. Particularly, when the tables turn. Many abused children drift apart from friends or relatives that are then later abused…and the first person they call is someone they know who experienced similar. Although what these friends often do not take into consideration is that no half-hearted apology makes up for something like that. In frequency, these friendships were imbalanced from the start. One cared more about the other and less about themselves. Then, the assault occurred and they no longer care about their own life, let alone the problems of the former prom-queen, social butterfly or alpha female of the group.

Post-Traumatic Stress: Dependent on when, where and how an assault takes place is important when it comes down to moving forward. Many survivors struggle to return to their old life. In cases, in which a boyfriend is a part of the equation, recovery can become complicated. Whereas some men are more supportive than others, the subject of sexual intercourse is bound to cause tension, unless there is ample space for open dialogue.

Identifying Stressors & Flashbacks: After a traumatic event, latent impressions of the experience inadvertently imprinted themselves on the mind. Survivors can develop aversions to the opposite or same sex, tools used during the assault, specific locations etc. For example, if an individual was tied and gagged during repeated assaults, they can easily be spooked by S&M. Conversely, some survivors unconsciously relive the experience by engaging in self-destructive behaviour, which can become heavily sexualised.
Although typical responses are sadness, rage, panic or other forms of extreme emotion, when coming into contact with a stressor or object/subject that triggers a flashback. From personal experience, I’ve found that resistance is futile. The more we resist the memory or image, the more it rages underneath the surface. Therefore, it is highly important to be patient and don’t be too hard on yourself. Reminders will crop up, but they don’t have to rule your life. One day, you’ll be able to look at something that would usually remind you of the worst times in your life and it’ll no longer be the root of your stress or the first thing you are reminded of.
Confront your stressor, but don’t go overboard. If it scares you, approach it slowly. If it angers you, charge at it with all your might. If it upsets you, let it out through a good cry, but never bury it. Burying a stressor is dangerous! The more you aim to ignore it, the more ferociously it’ll come through. If it sets your teeth on edge, there’s a reason. Learning that reason will benefit your personal growth and make your more resilient.

Stressors can awaken memories of a time, when we felt powerless, violated and/or deeply injured. In combination with flashbacks, they give the impression that the event is still ongoing. In a split second, a survivor can feel as if they are right back where it all started…As if no time passed. The lines between the past and present can become blurred, particularly if the abuse remains ongoing or happened not too long ago. In other words, living in present time becomes a challenge, when we are locked in a mental prison of our past. Every deeply traumatic experience forces us to re-learn how to live. That means learning how to accept what happened and moving forward.
Survivors Guilt: Thousands of men, women and children throughout the ages have experienced the most horrific forms of sexual abuse. Some of which survive, when those close to them did not. Driven by the experience, some strive to make their lives mean something. With every nightmare, failure and accomplishment, the guilt compounds, until it literally becomes the prime motivator behind their actions. In their eyes, the amount of suffering they feel was created by them, through whatever they did. In rare cases, it can manifest through the very fact that they survived, whereas others did not. More importantly, it is something that they cannot forgive, overcome or let go without assistance…Without some form of acknowledgement that it is okay, others simply need to hear that there is nothing wrong with them. They did what they needed to do to survive and they are still loved regardless. In cases with a high suicide risk, associated with survivors guilt, it can be very helpful to give them to opportunity to express themselves without being judged or criticised. In therapy, I use the method of creating a safe space for them to share their thoughts or unburden their darkest secrets. This can be easily done with friends or relatives at home. In some extreme cases, survivors just need to hear that they are forgiven to forgive themselves, which is more effective when it is conveyed by people that knew them before the event.

Relationships: As a survivor, the world no longer looks the same, nor do we connect to it in the same way. Opening ourselves to others can become difficult for the lack of empathy or shared experience. To the average man, women can be instantly downgraded to just another ‘rape-case’ or ‘woe-woman story’. So many women avoid sharing as to not make themselves look like a victim. This makes genuine relationships difficult and fosters commitment issues.
Many women choose not to share their past experiences with prospective or actual partners. Although this may seem like a justified defensive measure, how close can we truly be to someone, when we shut a part of ourselves off? If they cannot accept that part of ourselves, how can they accept us for who we truly are? My personal advice is for survivors to take a chance. If we never openly discuss what happened, how are we meant to find closure? How are we supposed to be expected to live with what happened, when we can’t acknowledge it to those we love?

Relationships in Times of Mass Extinction

Any man is liable to err, only a fool persists in error.

– Marcus Cicero

The refugee crisis of 2015 (that is still waiting to reach its peak) has highlighted the Western resource and wealth inequality to the extent, where people are no longer able to deny its effects. The most common stressor that disturbs the balance of any relationship is money problems. It is one thing to be unable to afford going out on Friday night, it is quite another to scavenge for food. Women and men alike have their breaking point. However, it appears that over the previous years, men have been more greatly affected by the recessions than women. Once survival is threatened, all bets are off. The balance of power in the relationship is altered beyond the point of return.

One does not have to be mentally or emotionally unstable to break it off, when one’s partner is unable to provide. In many Western cultures, this behaviour is even encouraged. In fact, one would have to be either so mentally stable/unstable that it borders on sociopathic tendencies to stay. However, it also results in countless broken homes and single parents fending by themselves. Although everyone should have to prerogative to act as they choose, it is hard times that determine the strength of a relationship. If we all were to stray at the first sight of trouble, mankind would have never made it to present day. Nonetheless, many blood-lines most likely only survived, because they did whatever was necessary to ensure the continued existence of themselves and therefore their genetic lineage. One may argue that the current disposable nature of society has driven its inhabitants to view their relationships as equally disposable. While divorce sky-rockets, few strive to patch things up, regardless of what mistakes were made. The problems have begun to extend beyond the relationship and can rarely be reconciled, merely overcome.

For example, adultery has less of an impact on the outcome of relationships than money concerns. Whereas many can forgive the occasional slip-up, constant financial worries are overcome far less often. From personal experience, I can attest to the fact that long-term relationships are hard work, but they are also very rewarding, if you are with the right person. After two years, the relationship is still relatively fresh, however, many couples decide to tie the knot after approximately a year (dependent on age). In other words, the length of a relationship only partly affects the impact of financial woes. When women are put in the position of fuel poverty, starvation or homelessness, the majority will seek a more suitable mate that can meet their base requirements. However, the minority are either so in love that it does not matter or they are invested in the relationship for different reasons. Although it is often assumed that sex is a primary reason for this, I’ve always found it insufficient and unrealistic. Sexual pleasure can cloud the mind so far, before other needs become more pressing. Besides, homeless couples rarely have the opportunity to be intimate. Their bond is one much deeper. Theirs is one that goes beyond the material. In fact, research suggests couples that endure traumatic experiences or persistent hardship are more likely to stay together. In a way, the trust that is forged between couples when surviving life-threatening circumstances is profound and far less often betrayed. Couples describe a sense of knowing their partner at their best and at their worst. However, they also emphasise the uncertainty of entering a new relationship with a new partner that may not cope as effectively. One particular couple that I was acquainted with suffered great ordeals, only for the husband to pass on from a fatal head-wound two months after they had finally resettled. The wife found herself at the beginning of a complicated, long-winded grieving process, in which she closed herself off from the world. The one thing we had in common at the time was the fact that she could not imagine a relationship with any other type of man. When she began dating after a year of therapy, she asked me to call her an hour in to provide her with an emergency exit strategy. Despite the fact, she was comfortable socialising, she was bored out of her mind, listening to his macho tales. All she could hear was incessant jabbering about the newest gadgets, newest fashion and the woe-is-me tales of ex girlfriends that were probably drawn way out of proportion. As was evident, they were rather ill-matched. For most women, a financially stable man is irresistibly attractive, but wealth can disappear in an instant. Bankruptcy, financial hardship or other unfortunate experiences affect the way a minority of women operate. Particularly, when it comes down to selecting a mate.

Few men and women cope well during financial turmoil, which is understandable, since it is a matter of working progress. In Apocalypse & the Middle-Classes, I explained that different social classes cope differently when disaster strikes. The lead-up to mass extinction is grinding society to a halt, in some of the most inhumane ways to keep itself going for as long as possible. Without adequate food production and distribution to all of the planet, over a quarter of the species already live in poverty without proper nutrition. Adding the refugee crisis to the equation only shows how thin we are stretching ourselves with highly destructive tools to feed, clothe and shelter all. Once more, it highlights inadequate wealth and resource production, distribution and renewal. The resources we take, we do not replenish. The manner through which we produce these resources is not merely flawed but environmentally hazardous. Without addressing the root cause of our problems, we are and/or will be forced to resort to extreme measures to survive. In sum, our way of living inevitably affects our reproductive behaviour. For some women that means trading up, for others that means turning tricks, but for a small minority it means to reflect on the bigger picture. Each of those three coping mechanisms have their roots in fallen civilisations. Although prostitution is thought of as the oldest of all professions, it is generally discouraged and disapproved of in modern society, even in the most dire circumstances. Therefore, it is a road less travelled. Looking for another mate is considered the more logical option. But when everyone is just as worse off, who are you going to choose? Mass extinction invariably impedes on the logic of reproduction, in times where the survival of the species is threatened. This could result in reproductive behaviour reverting back to a time when the sacrifice of one’s own life for the life of the infant was a common occurrence. In other words, we may revert back to a time when we would had to selflessly play against the odds of our long-term survival for the sake of short-term happiness. The brutal truth is that few would willingly choose that end, if push comes to shove. Conversely, there are always be those that will.

“Some people view love and romance as a sacred bond between two individuals. Other people see love as a game, where the goal is to manipulate another individual and gain emotional power over a partner.”

In conclusion, it is often argued that women are driven to go where the food is on an evolutionary basis, unless conditioned behaviour or other events supersede the most basic survival mechanisms. This is particularly the case in societies where farming is not an option or prohibited by law. It is inferred that this is what makes us more likely to cheat, but only a small minority of women have it so bad that it justifies adultery, as they could technically decide to leave at anytime. Commitment issues are only a small part of why relationships fail. Uncertainty, misrepresentation, distrust or outright deceit are all the more manifest in presence of commitment and abandonment issues. On a separate note, a former client of mine always used to say “Women are like money’s. They won’t let go of the old branch until they’ve got a new one.” Despite his troubled past with women, he has a point. Ironically, his statement is true for a large percentage of men and women. Research suggests men and women are more prone to jumping from one relationship into another when the partner is far from what they’re looking for and a more suitable mate presents itself. However, it begs the question whether emotional attachment serves as an indicator of balance in the relationship. As an unhealthy degree of emotional attachment can develop in any relationship, it is often useful to take time and reflect…To continuously invest effort and resources into the relationship as a sign of commitment, if it is one-sided can hamper marital bliss and equality. However, some are not capable of reciprocity, even if the issue is addressed repeatedly. Particularly, where money is tight and emotions run too high for personal comfort. In that case, one has to either accept that they may not change or walk away.

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https://quantummediocrity.wordpress.com/2014/02/12/apocalypse-surival-middle-classes/