Hidden Desire: Why We Crave To Be Dominant Or Submissive

The desire of the man is for the woman.

The desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.”

– Madame de Staël

There are hidden longings we do not talk about. Perhaps, we are reluctant to confirm the common stigma of the rape fantasy. Perhaps, we simply have not found a trustworthy person to explore the depth of our desire yet. Whether we have the intention to fulfil them or not…They linger in the corner of our minds, just waiting for the opportunity to become reality.

We cannot control what makes us tingly all over without serious repercussions. No matter how hard we try, we are hardwired that way. We can attempt to redirect our energy in a more socially acceptable direction, but eventually we might see the appeal in leading a secret life…where we enjoy the acceptance we crave in order to find release…However, we must be warned, giving into our hidden desires can be dangerous. The balance of power can tilt in an instant…and fantasy can turn into a nightmare. This is why communication is almost as essential as self-control. If we get carried away at the expense of our partner, but they do not speak up for whichever reason, then it can cause psychological turmoil. Speaking up when things go too far should be an automatic response. Nonetheless, it isn’t for many women as they grow self-destructively submissive in a way, which isn’t pleasurable for them to satisfy their partner. No lasting relationship can withstand that kind of perpetual sacrifice. As a rule, the more extreme sex becomes, the greater are the risks in case it goes wrong. Beyond gender stereotypes, men sacrifice as much as women. In fact, more men wish to take on a submissive role compared to us. Simply because it is a cliché doesn’t invalidate the statistics. In fact, there’s no combination of freaky that doesn’t exist…even if it seems like our deepest wants lack original thought.

It is far too easy to fall into the trap of vanilla sex. After we get older, we no longer experiment. We are stuck in a rut, unable to get our freak on. If we have a stable partner, we often struggle with the same old differences on how we prefer to get fucked. For example, he wants doggy, she’ll only do missionary. Instead of finding a steamy compromise, both end up unsatisfied. To reach the heights of ecstasy, we must switch off the intellectual part of our brains. We must be fully immersed in the moment. When we ask, debate and discuss acts, which require no preparation, we get less than if we carefully seized the opportunity. The most breathtaking experiences are spontaneous. A girl doesn’t wanna be asked, she wants to feel an empathetic passion that can’t be contained to just take her as she is.

To achieve this, we have to leave the safe zone of conventional intimacy for something far more primordial. The act itself must ceases to matter less than the spirit behind it.

Life is based on the exchange of control. During any sexual encounter, we relinquish power to receive pleasure. There can’t be two people on the wheel. Both cannot dominate each other simultaneously. Still, some prefer to be more submissive than others.

Are You Fucking Sure You Want This?

We can romanticize an idea without enjoying it turn into reality. The more extreme an idea, the more preparation is required. For instance, we can indulge in rape fantasies, but be far from exhilarated when we attempt to act them out. As with everything, there are degrees of intensity. There’s a delicate “Gleichgewicht” [balance in german; an equal- or counter-pushing of force, as it may] People who tire of regularly having to be in control, often like to practice a new form of control by fantasizing about the pleasures of totally relinquishing control. More importantly, we cannot let go entirely without our survival instincts kicking in. To let go completely means to be willing give over our very life without fear or hesitation…To allow him to take you to the brink, knowing with everything you are, he won’t push you off. Such trust is rare and it isn’t gained lightly.

“It’s safe to say that most women have a very complex relationship with their desire to be dominant or submissive, one that is much more problematic than that experienced by men.” [Ogas and Gaddam] What’s perhaps most revealing is the psychological relief that many in socially dominant, high stress positions experience in identifying with the submissive role. Fantasizing themselves as liberated from all the responsibilities that go with functioning in dominant roles offers them a much needed respite. The release experienced is not just to get their rocks off. Nobody can stay alert and in control or feel entirely powerless 24/7, so something’s gotta give. A coping mechanism used for entrancement becomes a short-term coping mechanism for social survival, which if mentally as well as physically addictive enough can become long-term. For example, in the case of breath play.
Furthermore, when we surrender control, we are at our most vulnerable, therefore it is in our best interest to seek the company of those we can trust unconditionally. Even rarer. As a consequence, we frequently settle for something less intense than it’s designed to be. With total domination, sex is the complete renunciation of all power. An epitome of what love is supposed to be. When we give someone the opportunity to seriously injury us or take our lives, we give them a different kind of power than is conventionally shared. When we give ourselves over to another person to that point, we form a different type of connection. Whether it is professional or personal is of little relevance, as it is what we truly crave. A kind of temporary unity. A state, in which we feel control is equally distributed, even if we almost submit completely, because we are giving and receiving what is desired.

For what it’s worth, I usually get overwhelmed by boredom rather quickly in relationships. Attraction begins in the mind, so the physical barely figures into this with me. Usually, if they weren’t deep or intense enough to keep my interest, I would move on. Most encounters were not in the least positive, yet the most lasting shared a forbidden, fringe element. Even if we cease to act on our desires, the fantasies often persists…as their root cause is deeply embedded. There’s a saying in the psych business, you can take on fetishes with ease, but you can’t get rid of them as easily. Once something raises the bar of exhilaration, it is insanity for most go back, unless it’s illegal. That’s also where the danger lies. When we begin experimenting with someone, we know, and it happens to end badly….and we then resort to seeking the same thrill with strangers, the risk rises exponentially. When we submit to anyone, we must learn to intuitively feel by their touch that their intentions aren’t insatiably carnal…that even if they are consumed by want, they won’t push too far…

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